the marriage fight

I’ve always known one thing. I want to be a mom.

When Jared and I were dating – a deal breaker came along – I wanted kids – Jared wasn’t so sure.

I would be a mother. I’ve always known it. He decided that he could indeed have babies.

We got married in June of 2004 – I was ready to start right away – but Jared wasn’t – so we waited a little bit. In July of 2005 – Jared lost his job and we moved in with his parents. NOT an ideal time to start trying. He got a job in August and we moved into his grandparents house in the fall. We talked about trying in the spring – and then the pain started. I was convinced I was dying – a brain tumor. I had crazy headaches and pressure. I thought I was having a stroke at times. I asked Jared to cut my face open once – just take the pressure away. They diagnosed me with severe sinus infections – nerve problems – anxiety – the works. In June of 2006 – I was diagnosed with severe TMJ disorder. An answer helped. But there were still unanswered questions. Would the pain ever go away – would I live a normal life again. It took two LONG years to find help. During those years – people asked about our baby status. I couldn’t take care of myself all day let alone even think about a baby. My dream of being a mother had left my head – completely. It wasn’t an option – and I wasn’t sure it would ever be.

In August of 2008 I got my retainer. It improved my quality of life 90%. When I met with Dr. Robinson – he asked me what my goal in getting treatment was. I broke down. I told him that I wanted to be a mother – more than anything – but the constant pain had ripped that want right out of my mind. He was confident that this device would allow my dreams to become reality.

In December we decided to take the plunge and try. Little did we know that it would take no time at all – not even a whole month. We picked up our new puppy and got a positive test all in a matter of weeks. We told everyone – we were so excited. We went to a wedding in Florida. I didn’t FEEL sick – but sometimes pregnancy doesn’t affect people – I must have been a lucky one. I was emotional – but I chalked that up to our new puppy and the thought of quitting my job to become a full time photographer. We were excited and scared.

I made an appointment at the hospital in Sayre – about an hour away – and my MIL took me. Jared decided to forego that first appointment and save his time off for later ones – where we could see our little babe! I didn’t expect an ultrasound at that first appointment – but I got one. The doctor looked and looked – the image displayed on the screen showed nothing. Not a thing. I’d never seen an ultrasound being done – but I knew what the image should look like. I wasn’t seeing it.

The doctor said – well – we should be seeing a small image at 10 weeks – and I see nothing. This happens a lot more often than you would think – especially with first pregnancies. You’ll miscarry within a few weeks and then you’ll get pregnant again and it will be great! I’ll see you again in a few months.

WHAT. WAIT. WHAT. The thought of a miscarriage – NEVER – EVER – entered my mind. I mean NEVER. And here I was – experiencing it. I was shocked. I was hurt – I was sad. I called Jared with the news – and the other loves of my life – my parents and siblings – my BFF.

I was okay – for a bit. I had my new puppy to cuddle and we would get pregnant again. We would use this to grow stronger – to trust God.

We didn’t get pregnant again. Month after month. I got angry. My MIL told me to trust God – I told her I did and look what happened – why would I trust Him? I was really hurt. I felt forgotten and abandoned by God. I was FINALLY better – and we couldn’t get pregnant.

What was wrong with me?

Babies consumed my thoughts – my life – my every energy. My relationships suffered – my sanity suffered.

We tried for a year – and then went to see a specialist. I had a procedure to check my uterus and fallopian tubes – make sure they were clear and okay – they were. Perfect – according to the doctor. More than fertile. Jared on the other hand – was not so fertile. He checked in on the low range. The doctor didn’t think we would get pregnant without some sort of medical intervention. I was crushed. Consumed with grief. I came to terms with the fact that I would never bear a child. Adoption wasn’t an option at first – I wanted a little Jared and Danielle. Why was that SO much to ask?

God slowly softened my heart to adoption and even foster care. We kept my cousin’s baby one night and the next morning I had the overwhelming feeling that maybe it should just be the two of us. Maybe a baby is too much. Maybe I could be happy without one. Maybe I am not ready.

I was at peace – for the first time in 18 months. Really truly at peace. I had given it to God – seriously – at last.

Two days later I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I didn’t know what to think. A baby would be due at the beginning of May – right at the start of wedding season (I’m a photographer for those who don’t know) – and that would NOT be good for business. Yes – I seriously thought this. And I thought – what if we miscarry again – I don’t think I could deal with another – it would break me.

But this baby was meant for our hearts and our arms. My pregnancy with Fitzgerald was picture perfect. I felt fantastic – other than morning sickness the first half. I was often in disbelief that there was a little baby in there. But he was. He was born on April 28th of 2011. He was beautiful. My heart was healed. I asked God for a baby. He gave me a beautiful little boy. Finally.

We missed little Enoch but LOVED our time with Fitzy! We enjoyed him and spoiled him with love.

In January of 2012 we found out we were expecting again. We were shocked! It took so long to get Fitzy and this was a surprise!

But I was scared. I didn’t feel sick. I didn’t feel pregnant. I didn’t let myself get attached to this baby – I knew it wouldn’t last. I just knew.

In early February I started bleeding and miscarried little Joy shortly after. Experiencing a miscarriage while you have a baby in your arms is much easier than when you don’t – at least in my experience. It hurt but Fitzy’s kisses eased the pain. I cried but his laughs brought me back to life. Our miscarriage brought feelings up in us – crazy and irrational feelings – that took us to a dark place. We fought and cried – I wrote about that time earlier. Losing another baby took us to a place where we almost fell apart. But we didn’t. By the pure grace of God.

Just as our relationship was getting better – getting to a whole new place of trust and love – we found out we were pregnant. Again. This time I knew this baby would be meant for our arms. This bay would be due right when we miscarried our first. It completed the circle. Our family would be complete – and God designed it JUST this way. I just knew.

And I was wrong.

We had an ultrasound and it looked great. Then the doctor called. Our baby didn’t look good. The heartbeat was low and there was a tear near the sac. My doctor said – I know you Danielle – and while I encourage you to not lose hope – I must tell you that I think you’ll start miscarrying soon. I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. How could this be happening AGAIN. And why now. I truly believed that this baby would be in my arms. But again – Fitzy’s love healed my heart quicker than our first loss.

But jealousy and anger crept in. I had (and OFTEN have) a very hard time being happy for friends that are having babies. Unless they too have struggled – then I’m a little better about it – which is SO wrong. I especially struggle with the people that have babies when we would have. I don’t understand why they are holding their little ones in their arms while I hold mine in my heart. It’s a painful reminder of what I don’t have.

Getting caught up with what you don’t have can kill you. Seriously.

So now what?

Now we love. And live. And pray for that bitterness and jealousy to leave – even though it’s so easy to hold onto.

Now we hold each other up during the hard times. I keep going to my MOPS group even though it hurts to see babies the same age as ours would have been (some days are much harder than others) – I hold those babies. Some days I might cry. Some days I just hug them and thank the good Lord that they are here even though mine are not.

Now – I refuse to pretend. It’s something I don’t do well. When there is a problem – I confront it – figure it out – get it taken care of. When the problem is jealousy and bitterness – I can’t just shove it back down to the depths. The more you shove it down – the harder it digs in and the harder it is to get out. So I deal with it. I blog about it – talk to someone about it – pray about it – hold my sweet boy.

Now we pray. Pray that if God holds more children in His plan for us – that we can deal with that answer. I’m scared that this might be our only baby. Thankfully – I went into this journey knowing that Fitzy may very well be our only – so I have no regrets in our experience. I enjoyed my pregnancy – I got pictures taken. I had pictures taken at his birth – newborn pictures. I held him. I breastfed him – for a short time. I kissed him and told him I loved him. I held him while he slept. I asked for help.

Now we pray. Pray that I don’t become obsessed with getting pregnant again. Pray that I enjoy this baby and soak in every second. Pray that I can be happy with or without another child. Pray that the people I continue to meet through this journey will touch my life. Pray that we can touch theirs.

Now. We pray.

Seriously Jared – you only have ONE thing that drives you nuts about me? C’mon man. You cannot pick the topic anymore. Because I am going to look awful now!

I have lots. Most of them – probably all of them – are just about stupid things. Like where he puts (or doesn’t put) his shoes – coats – clothes – books – etc. When he says I DON’T KNOW to almost EVERYTHING – serious or not – I don’t know. Dude – you HAVE to know. When he doesn’t remember to do things that are done over and over and over again – like take out the garbage – throw empty water bottles away.

Now – I am sure that if Jared thought about it – another thing that drives him crazy about me is that i say things like ALWAYS and NEVER. You NEVER remember to take out the garbage. Why do you ALWAYS forget to tell me when you take money out. Things like that.

I’m a recovering perfectionist. It’s something that I don’t allow to control me anymore – but it’s hard and I work at it every single day.

When I was in high school – I would measure the distance between my hangers in my closet and the distance between my pictures on the wall – they had to be in even or whole numbers. Odd numbers are ugly to me. I hate them. Weird. I know. I also copied over my notes that I took in class every night – until they looked and felt right. The things on my dresser were in a certain place at a certain angle. My sister used to mess with me and I knew as soon as I walked in. I would get so mad and have to spend the night fixing everything. Samm and I shared a room our whole lives until my junior year in college – and she is NOT a perfectionist – or even close.

When things weren’t “perfect” – I would have anxiety attacks – but not like you would normally think. There was a time that I couldn’t swallow anything solid – so I only ate applesauce and things I could mash up and struggle to get down. No reason – a serious mental fixation thing. I thought I had a yawn stuck once – for quite a while. I couldn’t sleep lying down cus I thought my heart would stop. I would wonder how my body knew to breathe – then I would panic thinking that I forgot. That one still gets me when I get anxious.

ANYWAY –

Most of my pet peeves about Jared are because while he also struggles with being a perfectionist – he doesn’t struggle in the ways I do. He is messy. I am not. And it drives me nuts!

Do I let them build up from time to time and pile EVERYTHING he’s done “wrong” in the past week on top of him at once? No … not me. Never. Only if never means much more often that I should be. Then I wonder why it’s so hard building him up when all I’ve been doing is putting him down.

God is really working in me with the whole being in control issue – cus when you get down to it – that’s what perfectionism is about. Being in control. And I’m not. No matter how much I like to think I am.

I’m His child – living here on this earth to love and share His news. I’m Jared’s wife – loving him and encouraging him. Asking for forgiveness when I fail.

Jared’s right. People would just say – everything changes. Everything. And you’re like – really? Thanks for that. Really helpful.

I’ve touched on it a little bit – but I mother. It’s my “gift” – right. I boss. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. I love it. But it’s not nearly as helpful as I thought.

So being a mom was gonna be easy for me. And really truly it’s been what I expected. Those first few weeks and months are hard – exhausting – trying. I am not a person that functions well on little sleep and that’s basically what happens when you have a baby – you get little sleep. Breastfeeding was exhausting. I’ve got friends that will tell me I’m selfish for even admitting that – but guess what – it is. I can honestly say that I didn’t feel this magical connection that other moms speak of with breastfeeding – it was – Fitzy is hungry and I’ll feed him – not a extra special moment really. I went back to work 8 weeks after he was born (and stopped breastfeeding) and now wish I had made a different decision. Not about the breastfeeding – Fitzy had formula for the first year after those 8 weeks and is thriving – but about going back to work – so much and so soon. Thankfully we have wonderful and supportive and loving family that helped us. I worked too much. barden photography was my baby – for a long time – and I didn’t know how to give that up – even a little. It’s easier now – but I’ve had to learn the hard way.

I don’t even really remember much about the first few months of Fitzy’s life – it’s all a fantastic blur. I know that I cuddled him and played with him and loved him and fed him and changed him and didn’t get much sleep. I know that Jared was here and we probably talked and hung out – but I really truthfully don’t remember. I took care of a baby and edited and slept and ate and photographed. And maybe (hopefully) paid attention to my husband.

Jared talks about alone time – something I don’t really crave – other than to edit or blog – but then I realized that for the three years I’ve been doing bp full time – I’ve had alone time – all day – every day – almost. So I might not crave it because I got it. Now that Fitzy is here I often look at the pile on my desk and desktop and wonder when it will get done – messages that need to be answered and photos that need to be edited. If I only had a few hours a day (doesn’t Fitzy nap? HA. sometimes) that I could get this stuff done – oh wait – I need to vacuum and do dishes and maybe cook tonight and get a shower and do laundry and I don’t even know what piles are clean anymore. There goes that small amount of time that I thought I could sit and get something done. At night I’ve been trying really hard to not be on the computer and focus my attention on Jared. I’m not on the computer during the day and not at night – not getting things done.

It’s been REALLY REALLY hard being a mom AND working from home. I would like to think that working outside the home where I don’t bring my work home would be easier? I’m most likely wrong. I have this little boy that wants to play and cuddle and type on the keyboard as soon as he sees it. He is awesome at occupying himself for about 20 minutes and then wants HOP ON POP read to him for the 14th time that day. And I love him and love paying with him. So it wins out. Always. But it’s really really hard. Really hard. Much harder than I thought it would be.

I get frustrated with Jared because I feel like he wants alone time ALL the time. He comes home from work and needs to wind down. And then it’s dinner and bath time and getting Fitzy to bed and then I might have an hour to work on something and then I realize I’ve been on facebook (I HATE facebook) for 20 minutes doing NOTHING and there goes any time I would have been able to catch up and I should probably spend time with Jared – ya know – watching TV. Seriously? And then we do it all again the next day. And on the days I don’t have weddings – Jared would like to go golf – but I’m already on my own with Fitzy 5 days a week – I don’t want to do weekends too. But he’s been working all week and needs some wind down time. But I want him home. So I don’t have to spend every waking second worrying about what Fitzy just ate off the floor. So an argument starts – the same one we have all the time. And I know that Jared needs his alone time so he goes. And I read HOP ON POP for the 160th time that week and wait for him to get home. So that maybe I can catch up on the 14 folders on my desktop and there I am working on the weekends again when I took time off this year so we could spend time together – and we aren’t.

And then those arguments lead into other things we are holding onto. The fact that miscarrying three years ago had a damaging effect on both of us and our relationship. I poured myself into my work and made barden photography my baby. And then when we did get pregnant again – right as I was just accepting that it would most likely be the two of us forever and how to deal with that – and this baby took over the barden photography baby role – again (or still) leaving Jared in the dust. While Jared needs his alone time – he also needs attention from me. And he wasn’t getting it. And facebook (did I mention I hate it – cus I do) became an outlet for the attention he needed from me but wasn’t getting. And I didn’t understand and we got off facebook for a while – but we are both quite addicted – so here we are again and trying to balance our relationship together and with Fitzy and with friends and family and business and free time and fun time and date nights and showers and sleep. You get it.

Fitzy is amazing and wonderful and fantastic and makes me cry almost every day. Whether it’s from laughing or because he comes over and grabs my face with his little fat hands and kisses me. When I look in his eyes I am looking at a miracle – an answer to prayer. I don’t know how to NOT make my world revolve around that little boy. But making him my entire world hurts me – and him – and Jared. It’s part of what we’ve been dealing with in our marriage over the past few months and it’s SUCKED. But where we are right now is right where God KNEW we would be. He’s put the people that are in our lives RIGHT NOW for THIS MOMENT. We are talking and crying and dealing with hurt and loving and learning. Learning so much about each other and our relationship and where God WANTS us to be – where we need to be.

Having Fitzy moved us from a family of 2 to 3 – and at times I left Jared out of that equation altogether. At times when we were both wrong and confused – God has kept us talking (even if it was in raised voices) and loving and learning. I’m learning how to make this relationship work with being a wife and a mom and a photographer.

I’m fighting for our marriage – and I’m thankful for a husband who fights with me.

You’ve heard this said right? Many MANY times according to Wikipedia. It’s from the novel and subsequent film – Love Story – which I’ve never seen. When the search came up on Wikipedia – there was a quote from John Lennon – love means having to say you’re sorry every five minutes. I prefer that one. Lately anyway. Who am I kidding – not even lately. Always – I think I’ve just grown and learned that my pride really isn’t THAT important to say I’m sorry.

Love means NEVER having to say you’re sorry. NEVER? I guess maybe I should watch the movie and then I would understand. But then again – I’m not much for gushy girl movies – with a few GREAT exceptions. But NEVER? REALLY?

I think it’s absolutely CRAZY that we seem to hurt the people we love – usually we hurt them a lot more than people we don’t even really like. I think I’ve mentioned it before – but it’s that comfort factor. I think sometimes we take advantage of our wedding vows and we KNOW that we will be there for each other so we can get comfortable and be rotten without any severe consequences. Again – WRONG.

And why is it SO hard to admit our wrongs and say those words – I’m sorry. Why is it SO easy to place the blame on others instead of reflecting on ourselves and seeing that we mostly likely are contributing to the problem more than we would like to think? Why is that we have to say I’m sorry – OVER and OVER again for the same things? Why is it that instead of taking blame when we totally should be – it’s sometimes easier to lie and bury yourself deeper and deeper?

Love means safety. Looking into the eyes of your husband and feeling truly safe – emotionally – physically – financially – just safe.

Love means commitment. Promising yourselves to only each other for the rest of your lives. Devoting yourself to stand by your husband through it all. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly.

Love means happiness. Laughing and enjoying each other. Remembering why you fell in love in the first place.

Love means forgiveness. Asking for it and giving it. Love means having to say you’re sorry. Every day if you have to. It also means accepting forgiveness when it’s asked of you.

When I was going through my jaw pain I would apologize to Jared all the time. I’m sorry that you have to take care of me. I’m sorry that we can’t do anything. I’m sorry that I can’t think straight. I’m sorry that I think I’m dying. I’m sorry that I asked you to cut my face open. I’m so sorry.

When we lost our first baby I would apologize all the time. I’m sorry that we didn’t get to see a picture on the ultrasound. I’m sorry that I might have done something wrong to cause this. I’m sorry that nothing you say to me makes it easier. I’m sorry that I can’t feel your hugs – I’m too numb. I’m sorry that we can’t have sex – I don’t want this to happen again – but I want a baby more than anything. I’m sorry that I want a baby so badly. I’m sorry that I cry all day. I’m sorry.

When Jared went through his severe anxiety attacks I would apologize all the time. I’m sorry that I don’t know what to do for you. I’m sorry that I can’t say anything right. I’m sorry that I can’t make you happy. I’m sorry that I can’t fix this for you.

When Fitzy was born I apologized. A lot. I’m sorry that I’m so tired. I’m sorry that I’ve made this baby my life. I’m sorry that I’m not seeing what you need. (those last two weren’t till very recently) I’m sorry that we have to ask someone to take our beautiful puppy in. I’m sorry that I’m exhausted. I’m sorry that I don’t have time. For anything. Ever. Or so it seems.

I’m sorry that I blew up on you. Again. I’m sorry that I doubted you. Again. I’m sorry that I didn’t see you needed me. I’m sorry that I’m controlling. (trying REALLY hard to work on this one) I’m sorry that I’ve been too busy mothering you. I’m sorry that I’m not perfect. I’m sorry that I get jealous. I’m sorry that I get irrational. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I don’t encourage you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I say it. A lot.

But do I really mean it. Do I really repent and try to change my behavior and my outlook? Not as much as I should be. Not even close really.

That’s what I’ve been trying to do lately. Saying I’m sorry and meaning it. Calling people out on the times that they’ve hurt me. Knowing that most likely it will come back to something that I did. Something they are holding onto. Something I’ve never said I’m sorry for. Knowing that I won’t like the answer sometimes. Knowing that in TRUTH and LOVE forgiveness is waiting.

Whether you need to say I’m sorry to someone or you’re waiting for an I’m sorry from someone – take that step today. ESPECIALLY if it’s your husband. Swallow your pride and ask for forgiveness. Swallow your pride and accept his apology. Take the steps so that you don’t have to say I’m sorry again. At least not for THAT same issue.

Forgiveness is AMAZING. Jesus has it for you. Jesus wants it for you. In all areas of your life – ESPECIALLY from Him but also from and for people in your life.

Forgiveness is a MAJOR step in fighting for your marriage.

<strong>Love means having to say you’re sorry. Love means having to say I forgive you. Sometimes every single day. </strong>

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Might as well start at the beginning right?

Jared and I met early on in college. We both attended the Christian groups on campus. Jared had a girlfriend and we didn’t really hang out with the same “crowd”. In September of 2002 we had a camp out at his parents property – FCA and CCC together. We didn’t talk much during that trip but I remember taking a picture of him!

At the end of the camp out – Jared and his cousin Cody needed a ride back to campus – and I had two seats in my explorer. It was one of the first times we ever really talked. But I still didn’t think anything of it. You see – Jared had a girlfriend – of two years-ish. And I liked another guy and was just waiting for him to “like” me back. Jared wasn’t on my radar or in my plan. AT ALL. Later that week – this friend and I were hanging out and I noticed he was talking to Jared on IM (oh IM) – I thought that maybe Jared would have some movies I could borrow – so I told him to tell Jared I was running up to get some. I borrowed LOTR – Jurassic Park – Gladiator – among other typical “guy” movies.

I got his IM name and we started talking. STILL NO ULTERIOR motives on my part – pretty much just to return his movies. We got talking and he said something about fighting with his girlfriend. I asked him where their relationship stood. Do you love her? Yes. Are you planning on marrying her? He said – well – I guess. I said – YOU GUESS? It’s either YES or NO and if it’s a NO – why on earth are you still dating after 2 years – that’s not fair to anyone – YOU or HER? They were fighting or something – having issues and I encouraged him to get them taken care of and figure out what he was doing.

Fast forward a week or two. We had been talking over IM and emailing – he had broken up with his girlfriend. (I’m gonna leave out the DRAMA that ensued. I am sure you can imagine. Feelings were hurt – things were assumed – we didn’t handle it like we should have – and Theresa – if you are reading this – I know it’s 10 years later but I am SO SORRY for the heartache and hurt you experienced – I’ll be writing about my own jealousy issues and I was thinking of you and what you must have went through – and I’m so sorry.) (It does make me happy to know that Theresa is happily married to her love and expecting their first baby soon! And I know that because I read her blog!) ANYWAY – Jared asked to come to my brother’s soccer game with me. He met my family that night. We went to the movies. I was SO confused. I really really liked him but I really really liked this other guy. I called my mom and asked her what I should do. Should I pursue this “thing” with Jared. She said something that changed the course of my life. She said – Danielle – you’ve been waiting for two years for this guy to “like” you back. If you miss out on this chance with Jared you might be missing out on the rest of your life! So I took a chance. But I told Jared – listen – I still have feelings for this other guy. This might be weird. He was awesome. Jared will tell you that he knew within the month that he was going to marry me. It took me quite a bit longer. We were engaged on our year anniversary and married eight months later. We just knew.

Jared isn’t what I expected AT ALL. He isn’t what I was looking for at all. He is exactly what God knew I needed. He excels where I fail. He is strong where I am weak. And vice versa. We are so good for each other – and God knew that – but I didn’t. Jared challenges me and I him. He is the only child while I am the oldest of three. He is ALWAYS right. I am ALWAYS right. He loves me but he loves Jesus more. He encourages me.

Jared’s love languages are words of praise and encouragement – mine are time and service. I suck at his and he equally sucks at mine. We are trying though – especially lately! It’s hard work. I don’t think I should have to thank him for taking out the garbage EVERY week – going to work to provide for us EVERY day – for loving me ALL the time. I don’t need those so I’m not as sensitive to the fact that he does. He doesn’t get that doing things like remembering to take out the garbage or picking up his shoes are things that show his love (respect) to me. I was at a MOPS meeting recently where the speaker talked about the continuous cycle of (no) love – (no) respect. Men crave respect over love – women crave love over respect. So when I respond to Jared with no respect he then responds to me unlovingly and I continue to respond to him disrespectfully and so on and so on. But when he responds to me in love – I in turn respond to him in respect and we can continue that cycle.

I also tend to throw around words like ALWAYS and NEVER. You ALWAYS forget to move your shoes. You NEVER fill the car when you return it. Why do you do this EVERY time! Disrespectful. Automatically it puts Jared on the defensive and he doesn’t want to talk to me or even be near me – which is what I need – time and service. But I’m not giving him what he needs – words of encouragement and respect.

Here’s the thing – I have a certain way that I want things done – and most of the time I don’t understand why it’s SO hard for him to figure out those ways. If he would just adjust to MY procedures – life would be SO much easier. But here’s the thing – if it gets done – does it matter how? In grade school – my sister learned her times 8 multiplication on her fingers – and I never understood why she counted on her fingers to get the answer. I just knew it in my head. Did it matter? We both got the same – RIGHT – answer. But it mattered to me. DUMB – I KNOW. I’m a control freak – as you will find out. I’ve gotten much better and am trying every day to give up little bits more. This doesn’t just affect my marriage and my relationships with almost everyone but also my relationship with God. He is in control of my life – right – RIGHT? Oh – I don’t know – I like to pretend He is – but I’m holding onto SO many things.

So – we will be addressing the issues – control – being unloving and disrespectful – practicing love and respect – communication – self esteem – living a happy life with a healthy marriage in a sinful world – love is patient love is kind – trust – criticism – being a better mom than a wife – being a better husband than a father – miscarriages – life as we know it (with a baby) – jealousy – forgetfulness – i don’t know (it’s NOT an answer) – men and their nothing box – time together and time alone – praying – being equally yolked – knowing what your vows REALLY mean – putting Jesus at the CENTER of your marriage – forgiveness (seventy times seven – times seven hundred) – dealing with anxiety and OCD and depression and chronic pain – and yes even sex (mom and dad might want to NOT read those ones – although we promise to not get into details) – and so many more …