Jared’s right. People would just say – everything changes. Everything. And you’re like – really? Thanks for that. Really helpful.
I’ve touched on it a little bit – but I mother. It’s my “gift” – right. I boss. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. I love it. But it’s not nearly as helpful as I thought.
So being a mom was gonna be easy for me. And really truly it’s been what I expected. Those first few weeks and months are hard – exhausting – trying. I am not a person that functions well on little sleep and that’s basically what happens when you have a baby – you get little sleep. Breastfeeding was exhausting. I’ve got friends that will tell me I’m selfish for even admitting that – but guess what – it is. I can honestly say that I didn’t feel this magical connection that other moms speak of with breastfeeding – it was – Fitzy is hungry and I’ll feed him – not a extra special moment really. I went back to work 8 weeks after he was born (and stopped breastfeeding) and now wish I had made a different decision. Not about the breastfeeding – Fitzy had formula for the first year after those 8 weeks and is thriving – but about going back to work – so much and so soon. Thankfully we have wonderful and supportive and loving family that helped us. I worked too much. barden photography was my baby – for a long time – and I didn’t know how to give that up – even a little. It’s easier now – but I’ve had to learn the hard way.
I don’t even really remember much about the first few months of Fitzy’s life – it’s all a fantastic blur. I know that I cuddled him and played with him and loved him and fed him and changed him and didn’t get much sleep. I know that Jared was here and we probably talked and hung out – but I really truthfully don’t remember. I took care of a baby and edited and slept and ate and photographed. And maybe (hopefully) paid attention to my husband.
Jared talks about alone time – something I don’t really crave – other than to edit or blog – but then I realized that for the three years I’ve been doing bp full time – I’ve had alone time – all day – every day – almost. So I might not crave it because I got it. Now that Fitzy is here I often look at the pile on my desk and desktop and wonder when it will get done – messages that need to be answered and photos that need to be edited. If I only had a few hours a day (doesn’t Fitzy nap? HA. sometimes) that I could get this stuff done – oh wait – I need to vacuum and do dishes and maybe cook tonight and get a shower and do laundry and I don’t even know what piles are clean anymore. There goes that small amount of time that I thought I could sit and get something done. At night I’ve been trying really hard to not be on the computer and focus my attention on Jared. I’m not on the computer during the day and not at night – not getting things done.
It’s been REALLY REALLY hard being a mom AND working from home. I would like to think that working outside the home where I don’t bring my work home would be easier? I’m most likely wrong. I have this little boy that wants to play and cuddle and type on the keyboard as soon as he sees it. He is awesome at occupying himself for about 20 minutes and then wants HOP ON POP read to him for the 14th time that day. And I love him and love paying with him. So it wins out. Always. But it’s really really hard. Really hard. Much harder than I thought it would be.
I get frustrated with Jared because I feel like he wants alone time ALL the time. He comes home from work and needs to wind down. And then it’s dinner and bath time and getting Fitzy to bed and then I might have an hour to work on something and then I realize I’ve been on facebook (I HATE facebook) for 20 minutes doing NOTHING and there goes any time I would have been able to catch up and I should probably spend time with Jared – ya know – watching TV. Seriously? And then we do it all again the next day. And on the days I don’t have weddings – Jared would like to go golf – but I’m already on my own with Fitzy 5 days a week – I don’t want to do weekends too. But he’s been working all week and needs some wind down time. But I want him home. So I don’t have to spend every waking second worrying about what Fitzy just ate off the floor. So an argument starts – the same one we have all the time. And I know that Jared needs his alone time so he goes. And I read HOP ON POP for the 160th time that week and wait for him to get home. So that maybe I can catch up on the 14 folders on my desktop and there I am working on the weekends again when I took time off this year so we could spend time together – and we aren’t.
And then those arguments lead into other things we are holding onto. The fact that miscarrying three years ago had a damaging effect on both of us and our relationship. I poured myself into my work and made barden photography my baby. And then when we did get pregnant again – right as I was just accepting that it would most likely be the two of us forever and how to deal with that – and this baby took over the barden photography baby role – again (or still) leaving Jared in the dust. While Jared needs his alone time – he also needs attention from me. And he wasn’t getting it. And facebook (did I mention I hate it – cus I do) became an outlet for the attention he needed from me but wasn’t getting. And I didn’t understand and we got off facebook for a while – but we are both quite addicted – so here we are again and trying to balance our relationship together and with Fitzy and with friends and family and business and free time and fun time and date nights and showers and sleep. You get it.
Fitzy is amazing and wonderful and fantastic and makes me cry almost every day. Whether it’s from laughing or because he comes over and grabs my face with his little fat hands and kisses me. When I look in his eyes I am looking at a miracle – an answer to prayer. I don’t know how to NOT make my world revolve around that little boy. But making him my entire world hurts me – and him – and Jared. It’s part of what we’ve been dealing with in our marriage over the past few months and it’s SUCKED. But where we are right now is right where God KNEW we would be. He’s put the people that are in our lives RIGHT NOW for THIS MOMENT. We are talking and crying and dealing with hurt and loving and learning. Learning so much about each other and our relationship and where God WANTS us to be – where we need to be.
Having Fitzy moved us from a family of 2 to 3 – and at times I left Jared out of that equation altogether. At times when we were both wrong and confused – God has kept us talking (even if it was in raised voices) and loving and learning. I’m learning how to make this relationship work with being a wife and a mom and a photographer.
I’m fighting for our marriage – and I’m thankful for a husband who fights with me.
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