the marriage fight


in deep (he said)


Posted By on Dec 26, 2013

I should have known something was wrong on Friday. The night before, my friend Nate and his wife Jess and I, drove 2 plus hours on a whim to go worship with Bryan and Katie Torwalt in Harrisburg, PA. I called Danielle, who was in Athens for the night with Fitzy, and told her to drop her plans, and come with me. She responded with something like, what is wrong with you? You work tomorrow. We can’t just drive to Harrisburg tonight. I told her it was fine if she didn’t want to go, but I was. After worship, we ate at the Outback (my favorite) and made the trip back home. Some hanging out once we got home made for a LATE night, but the next day I was peppy and ready to go, while my friend Nate was dragging around.

I should have known something wasn’t right.

Let’s rewind a bit.

That Monday I was mowing the lawn. As I drove past a certain tree I felt God prompting me to “Go, take Fitzy and pray for your friend Ralph.” Now, I hadn’t seen Ralph in forever, but I knew he had some form of cancer. I dismissed the notion as just something I came up with. However, when I rounded the yard again I got the same impression, so I figured, “OK, I’ll go.” I called to make sure it was OK for us to come and Ralph’s wife said if we felt called to come pray, then we should.

I called my buddy Dan, and he was in, in a heartbeat. I went to my parents’ house to borrow the anointing oil, got Fitzy, and picked Dan up. Off we went to Ralph’s.

When we got there I explained what happened and how I thought we were supposed to pray for Ralph, and how I thought Fitzy was definitely supposed to pray as well. We got started praying and then I had Fitzy do a “repeat after me” prayer. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. When we got to the part about “healing” Ralph, Fitzy screamed it out. Dan and I both had goosebumps.

Now, I’m not saying we’re anything special. I just felt called to go and pray. That’s all.

This led to a chain of events that got me to Harrisburg on a Thursday night after work, which we already covered. Just remember it was a super late night, and the next day it didn’t seem to faze me at all, while my friend, Nate, was definitely dragging.

Friday we went to Danielle’s parents’ house for the night before we made the rest of the trip for vacation on Sunday. As we drove over I talked almost incessantly about all sorts of stuff (moving, buying a house, canceling our beach trip, and all sorts of crazy stuff). I even told Danielle at one point we had to make a decision RIGHT NOW about what we were going to do. Again, I should have known something was wrong. She did. She kept asking me to slow down, calm down. What on earth are you talking about?

That evening, unbeknownst to myself (and still would be to this day if Danielle hadn’t told me what happened) I perused some material on my in-laws computer I had no business visiting. Later on that evening, or early morning Saturday, I found that material in the open tabs and freaked out because I thought it was from Danielle’s dad. I told Danielle we had to leave RIGHT AWAY, at 2 AM. I wasn’t comfortable at all. I couldn’t sleep. I remember staying up and asking friends online what I should do in the middle of the night. What I should have done was gone to sleep, assuming that I could have slept at all. What I should have done was not opened that computer in the first place.

Danielle had a wedding on Saturday and I didn’t feel comfortable staying at her parents after the events of the night. Danielle had confronted her dad and asked him if he had been looking at the stuff on the computer. I was terrified that he wouldn’t react well to my accusations. Danielle dropped me off in Troy on the way to her wedding and my uncle picked me up and took me home. Danielle came back to Mansfield on Sunday morning to pick me up and head for the beach, even though I firmly believed that we should not go.

Again. I should have known something was wrong.

On the way to the beach, we stopped to visit our friends Beth and Ben for the night. We met Beth and Ben on Facebook and have never met in real life before, so it was awesome to connect with them. We hit it off right away, which I knew we would. We felt like long lost friends. Little did I know that they hadn’t invited us down, but I had told them we would be coming.

I wanted to take Danielle to the church I had visited on Thursday night, since I had such a great time there. It didn’t work for Beth and Ben to go so we made the “trip” ourselves. During the course of worship I took Fitzy out to the lobby, since he was getting a bit antsy. While we walked around, I noticed a woman who was frantically searching for something. Turns out she had lost her phone.

The more I watched I learned she was the director of a worship school taking place at the church. She needed that phone to stay in touch with people.

When I went back in to switch off with Danielle a girl came up to me and asked whether or not I had seen the lost phone. Right then I felt God telling me we should give her one of our phones. I told her to find my wife and we would help them out.

Long story short, that didn’t fly with Danielle, and we ended up retuning to Beth and Ben’s with both phones in hand.

The next day we left for Ocean City, MD, a favorite vacation spot for our family. I was feeling good. Too good.

And then I got a phone call from my supervisor telling me I needed to take a prank video we recorded at work off YouTube. I kept asking him why and he said my boss wanted it deleted. I proceeded to call my boss and press him for an answer, which he gave.

I think that’s when things really started going downhill. I wasn’t thinking right and was making decisions at the drop of a hat. I drove over 8 hours to the beach, talking the entire time. About new jobs, new houses, new decisions.

We arrived at the beach and I was full of energy, talking almost incessantly. I was aggressive and hostile, to an extent, without any idea how it was affecting my family. I felt invincible. Apparently I also thought I was rich and extremely good looking. I was barely sleeping. Maybe getting two hours or so a night.

I even told Danielle she was released of her wedding vows. Now I don’t remember this at all, but Danielle assures me I did, several times. I told her it was OK for her to leave and that I would be fine. I would be fine never seeing her or the boys again. God told me. I mean, where does that come from? It’s amazing Danielle didn’t up and leave or at least smack me senseless right then and there.

I thought several times I was going to die. I mean seriously die. Like at any minute. It was scary and not, at the same time. My dad just held me the last time. I thought I was going “home” for sure at that point and it was wonderful just having dad there. Even though I hadn’t been treating him well either.

It all came to a head when I sat my family down in the middle of the courtyard at our condo and lectured them about how they needed to be on my side and support me. I feel awful for anyone who had to witness that train wreck. I gave my family an ultimatum. Either you’re on my side or you’re not. For some decisions that I explained were lifelong dreams for me. Things I felt God calling me to do. NOW. Things that they had never heard me talk about.

Thank God they all said “yes” or I wouldn’t be here right now.

I told Danielle I needed my phone for an hour so I could talk to my friend Dave. She had been begging me to get off my phone and spend some time with everyone. We talked for I don’t know how long about all sorts of things and then I went back to our room, handing over my phone.

That’s when it hit me. My body just couldn’t keep up with how fast my mind was moving anymore. I had a light lunch and then laid down for a nap.

That’s when things got really bizarre. When I woke up from my nap I had absolutely no idea what day or time of day it was. I barely knew where I was or who I was with. Little did I know Danielle had prayed this into being.

I’m told I also spoke with my doctor who informed my family I needed to be taken to the hospital immediately.

Danielle, my dad and I left for the hospital while mom stayed with Fitzy. On the way to the hospital in the midst of my jabbering I predicted some of the people who we would meet, even as far as saying one of the women we would work with would be named Mary. I made all sorts of stock predictions and rambled on about google, apple, and facebook. I made Danielle and dad promise to invest our money in them, because by this time tomorrow, we would all be millionaires.

I don’t remember much about the first hospital except that they showed me it was in fact the day everyone kept telling me it was.

The hospital didn’t have the facilities to handle my condition so I had to be transported to another hospital. Instead of an ambulance I was taken in a police vehicle instead. Since I was riding in the front seat I had to be handcuffed. On the way there the female officer and I had the nicest conversation.

At the next facility it was clear we were in a psychiatric center. There were people there who clearly had issues. As if I didn’t at the moment. After spending what felt like an eternity in my room I was sent back home. The doctors told dad and Danielle they have me enough medicine to “knock me out” for the night. Wrong. I kept jibber jabbering all the way back to the condo. I fell asleep and popped up two hours later, ready to go for the day, at 2 AM. Mom stayed up with me that night and then Danielle took the morning shift.

The next day, I told them I needed my phone. Danielle kept telling me that I had told her to take it away from me. That I didn’t need it, but I did need it to check the stocks and see how much money we had made. I told them that my phone needed to be in my hand by 9 AM, or else. Danielle and Fitzy left with mom, telling Dad to take control of the situation. Thankfully my dad talked me down and at one point I told him that I wanted to go home and see our doctor and maybe spend some time at the hospital. We had arrived at the beach on Monday afternoon and left on Thursday morning. We packed the car and headed home. Well, not home, but to Soldiers and Sailors hospital where I was soon admitted and voluntarily checked into the behavioral health unit.

Now, I had a lot of preconceived notions about what a BHU was. Boy was I mostly wrong. I was treated incredibly well, had a nice clean room, got to watch TV on a flat screen and even play the Wii during activity time. I got to experience group therapy, which is not quite the way it’s portrayed in most movies and TV shows.

I saw people worse off than me. I lived with drug addicts. I saw what it was like “on the inside”. And like I said, for the most part it wasn’t bad.

Not to say I wasn’t having issues. I was. I was attracted to just about ever female that came my way and figured they felt the same way. Thank God I didn’t do anything, if I could have, with any of them.

While I was in the BHU I was diagnosed as Bipolar 1. Looking back I’m not sure how I felt about the diagnosis. I guess I was confused, scared and didn’t believe it at first. Let me tell you, there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to believe.

But I was in a hurry to get out, Bipolar or not, and I did after 5 days.

But that was too soon. When I was home I was irritable. And jumpy. Controlling. When I walked into mom and dad’s, mom turned on the blender, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Then there was the golfing incident. Dad and I went golfing at Corey Creek Thursday afternoon and I made the decision to purchase a new set of Calloway clubs. Dad didn’t know that when I went into the clubhouse I was going to come out $2,000 lighter in the wallet.

Large purchases are a warning sign to look out for in Bipolar it turns out.

My family decided I needed to go back to the hospital, and I, reluctantly, agreed. I demanded that only Danielle take me, and unbeknownst to me, my dad followed. While in the ER, Danielle confronted me about the golf clubs, she had found out through my friend Jason, and I told her to leave. I didn’t want to see her. So she did.

My second stay on the BHU lasted 10 days. Again, I was treated so well and even put on a decent amount of weight due to the great food. Yes, you read that right. My hospital food was great. Or at least it was in my still somewhat manic state of mind.

After leaving the hospital I started counseling and I now see a psychiatrist regularly. Again, it’s not like the stereotype I thought it was. I’m on a combination of medications to help me not get too high or too low, and at this point, they seem to be working well.

I tell you this story for several reasons. This can happen to anyone. Any one of us. And to say how thankful I am for my mom and dad and my in-laws. And how thankful I am for Danielle. She was a rock for me when my whole world was literally flipped upside down. She was my stability when all she wanted to do was run. She didn’t and wouldn’t give up on me.

Even after I dropped a giant bombshell of a secret on Danielle and flipped her world upside down right after I was released from the hospital, she stood by my side through the pain of it all.

Danielle was “in deep”, and she saved my life. I can never thank her enough.

At several points in my story I didn’t know how or didn’t even want to fight for my marriage. I didn’t even know what was going, on let alone know how to save my marriage from the wreckage I was putting it through.

But. Even though things were terrible I kept telling Danielle “it will be OK”. Now, hearing this from someone who is having a breakdown isn’t necessarily reassuring, but somewhere inside I knew things would be OK. Our marriage would be OK, even while I was telling Danielle she was free to up and leave. Even when I was saying things to her that I can’t even bear to think about, let alone repeat here, or even remember.

I don’t know why I went on summer vacation and ended up diagnosed as bipolar. I wish I did. It still doesn’t seem fair to me. I can only speculate at this point, but someday I’m sure I’ll have a better understanding.

Even though I didn’t know it this summer, I was “in deep.”

And I’ll never be anything less.

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in deep (she said)


Posted By on Dec 9, 2013

In the height of his mania – Jared told me that I was released from the vow I made to him on our wedding day. I could leave if I couldn’t handle what was happening (which none of us knew what really was happening at that point) and God would understand. He would forgive me. He said – go to your parents. Stay with them for a few months. Think about it. But my life is going to change – immensely – and I don’t think you are ready for it. I cried. So much. I begged him to stop acting so – crazy. Think about what he was saying. What it really meant. To leave? He couldn’t even explain to me what was happening. I couldn’t explain what was happening. We were at the beach – supposed to be having the time of our lives (which turns out – we did – just not in the way you usually think of it). We have a beautiful son together and another on the way. A specific promise from God. To us. Not just me. Us. Please – think about what you are saying. What you are doing. What it would really mean for me to leave and never see you again.

He felt at peace. He felt calm. He felt more in tune with God than at any other time in his life. From his perspective – he was slow and rational. Calm and making more sense than he ever had. To us – he was operating in fast forward. Making irrational decisions. He was anything but calm and very rarely made sense. It was – by far – the strangest and scariest experience of my life. This man that I had spent 10 years of my life with – was suddenly a different person. Completely different. With no evidence of the man I knew.

We were in deep. But then again – our whole relationship has been that way.

If you know me at all – you know that I don’t do things quietly. It’s all or nothing. While I hate drama – I am very dramatic. And my whole life – it’s always something. Maybe it’s why I have the view I do. While others call is pessimism – I call it reality. The man in black says it best. Life is pain highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. It’s such a perfect line. So true. While life is beautiful – it’s also painful. In my experience – more often than not. Constantly finding the beauty from pain. Seeing what the pain in life brings. Because God sees the whole plan – we can’t imagine what good the pain will do. But He knows. He’s known all along. Where we see hurt and heartache – He sees happiness and rejoicing.

In deep. When I said – I do. I meant just that. Yes. I do. For always. Now – don’t get me wrong. There are things that happen in marriages – relationships – that aren’t acceptable. Things that would most definitely make me leave. After – what I hope would be – several efforts at making it work. Counseling. Rehabilitation. Whatever was needed.

I knew this was different. I knew something wasn’t right. I knew this wasn’t Jared. But I had no clue what. In finding out that it was a manic episode and we would have to deal with this for a while – it made it easier. Only in the way that we had an answer. The process was hard. Painful. Ugly. It’s still hard. Not as much – thank You Jesus.

In deep. Yes – I was pregnant. Yes – we had a two year old to think about. Yes – I was terrified. Yes – I was scared. Yes – I was tired – mostly from crying. But I dug deeper. I prayed harder. Asked for strength beyond anything I could imagine. Told Fitzy stories about his daddy. How much he loved him. How we needed to pray for him. Dear Jesus – heal my daddy – amen. Again mommy? Dear Jesus – heal my daddy – amen. I tried – and failed at times – to not talk about it all in front of him. While I was hurt and confused and angry – I never wanted to put Jared in a bad light. I never wanted to tear him down. I never wanted Fitzy to be hurt and angry – just because I was. And you know what – that’s Jesus. The fact that I love my husband more today than 4 months ago – that’s Jesus.

I couldn’t leave. While I needed to think about myself and my babies – I also had to think about Jared. Because – that’s what marriage is. And I’ve done a pretty crappy job in that area – for most of our marriage. When I got married – I thought the hardest thing would be dealing with only child Jared. Turns out – the hardest thing was dealing with a bossy oldest child. One with ridiculous expectations of how things needed to look and be arranged. Jared and I both struggle with perfectionism. His is more about what people think of him and how he needs to be perceived by people. Mine is more about organization and having hangers an equal distance apart – ridiculous things that don’t matter. Things that take up way too much time and energy. Things that will never ever matter. Thankfully – I’ve learned that. For the most part. But when we were first married – it was tough. Jared certainly did not put the milk where it should go. He didn’t leave his towels on the right rack. His shoes didn’t go THERE – they go HERE. Seriously. I wish I was kidding. When life starts to spin out of my control – I take control. In those areas. And it gets intense. So really – truly – looking back – I was more in love with controlling Jared and making him into what I wanted than I was in sharing a life with him. Ugh. It’s rough to type that. And sometimes – that feeling creeps up on me. Life is getting out of control again – WHY AREN’T THE DISHES DONE. And Jared says – because there are only two bowls in the sink. And I huff out to the kitchen and do them – with an attitude. Because I need to have control. And order. In order to not spin out of control.

So I’m working on that. Learning to let go. To not be so selfish. And I’m not trying to say – Jared’s never selfish – don’t blame him. He totally is. And so am I. And the only person I CAN control – is me. The only reactions I CAN control are mine. God really knew what He was doing when he sent me Fitzy. When Fitzy spills something – he immediately looks at me and says – it’s okay momma (and moves his hands in a so-so motion) it’s okay momma. I sigh. I count to 3. And I say – right babe. It’s okay. It’s just water. Next time – let’s be more careful – but it’s just water. I could be wrong – but I’m pretty sure I haven’t freaked out on him about spilling something or putting something out of my precious order. God just knows that in order to reign in my crazy – I need that little boy to remind me – it’s okay.

Fitzy dealt with everything amazingly. He wanted his home. He wanted his daddy. I couldn’t keep him from him. For both of their sakes. Like I said – if certain things had happened – then I obviously wouldn’t have stayed in an unsafe environment. Being home kept life stable for Fitzy – as stable as it could be.

In deep. I cried to my mom – why now? Why couldn’t this have happened when we didn’t have kids? She said – because that would be one more reason to leave. You love Jared – I know that. But without kids in the picture – while it’s still hard – it’s easier to walk away. Easier to say – forget it. I didn’t sign up for this. You figure it out. And that’s not what I’m about – that’s not what marriage is about.

I prayed. And prayed and prayed. God – do You want me to leave him? Do I leave him to figure this out on his own?

When we were at the beach – when it got really intense – I said to Jared. Listen to me. I am not afraid to be a single mom. I’ve got awesome parents and an awesome family. You’ve got awesome parents and an awesome family. I can and will do it. Awesomely. But I am afraid of two things. Doing this life without you. And our boys experiencing this life without you. You are my love. And if you are telling me that God is speaking to you about this dream you have – then we will do it. I support you. I love you. I said yes. To you. But don’t you dare tell me that I can leave. Don’t tell me that you can do this without me – and not be sad about that.

After that conversation – we went inside. Jared laid down on the couch and fell asleep. I went in the bedroom and cried. And prayed. Prayed that God would make him sick. Make him blind. Make him deaf. Make him not know what day it was. Make him understand the severity of what was happening and let us take him to the hospital. I had called our family doctor and told him what was happening and he urged that Jared see a doctor. Now. I prayed like I’ve never prayed before. Things that are just out of my comfort zone to pray – and I don’t really know why. I said – Jesus lives in me. Therefore – I have power in Jesus’ name. Make him sick. Make him confused. Now.

I went out and woke him up – told him that our doctor was on the phone. Jared looked at me like he didn’t know me. He was panicked. He kept asking what day it was. He didn’t believe us. My heart raced. THANK YOU JESUS. He talked with our doctor and agreed to let us take him to the ER because physically he didn’t feel right. And so began a long and painful night. A night where I watched my husband break down and his mind betray him.

I prayed a lot – about a lot of things. And about leaving. For a short time – for a long time. And I never felt God say – yes. I put my feelings aside – of course I wanted to stay with my husband. But there were also times that running to my mom and dad’s and falling into their arms – for a long time – was very tempting. Very. I just can’t explain it. I never felt like I could.

In deep.

Next year we will celebrate 10 years of marriage – and let me tell you – it will be a celebration! We’ve been through so much together. More than I ever thought would happen. Like I’ve said before – I don’t know what I expected to be ahead of us when I stood there and said I do – but it wasn’t this. At least – not this way.┬áNot with so much pain and heartache.

I expected us to fall deeply in love with each passing day. And we have. I expected us to have beautiful children. And we do. I expected to touch people’s lives. And we are. We are in this. Deep. I didn’t expect that the hardest times of our lives would cause us to become closer. I didn’t expect to look back on the past 10 years and see how we’ve grown – so much. Grown up and just grown. As a husband and a wife. As a mother and a father. As a son and a daughter. I didn’t think that we would experience a miscarriage – let alone three. I didn’t think this would be our ministry. Praying for and encouraging people who are wanting a baby. People who are where we were. I didn’t think that I would ever feel insecure in our relationship. I didn’t think that experience could help anyone. And it has. It’s moved us closer together. It’s forced us to look at our marriage and what was missing. I didn’t think that my husband having a manic episode would be the amazing testimony that God was talking about when He told us about Enoch’s existence. I never thought that I would see anything good come from it. Anything. Ever. I never thought that I would be sitting here. With Fitzy leaning his little head against my shoulder. Christmas lights shining on the face of a second miracle. A miracle that is sleeping on his daddy’s chest. A daddy that four months ago – I wasn’t sure would be here – emotionally. Or physically for that matter.

I didn’t think our life would ever be the same. I didn’t think it would ever be normal. I’m discovering that it won’t. It won’t ever be the same. Or normal.

And that’s not a bad thing.

In fact – it might be the best thing that ever happens to us.

In deep. It’s what we ask of God. Take us deeper.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

Hillsong

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