I can’t finish this post. Not now. It’s too soon.
But grace is unmerited favor. I thought I knew about grace, but I didn’t. Until now. I’ve been shown favor I’m not deserving of, time and time again. By a woman who said “I do” over 9 years ago. And she shows that grace because of a God who loves her and pours His grace into her, time and time again.
Without those graces, I wouldn’t be able to type this post, that much I know.
I have Type 1 Bipolar Disorder, which we just recently discovered. It explains (or starts to) a lot of things. I need grace now more than ever, and I have found that grace.
For grace I am eternally grateful.
When I asked google to define grace – I got this.
1. simple elegance or refinement of movement.
2. (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.
Wikipedia gave me this –
The love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it. It is understood by Christians to be a spontaneous gift from God to man – “generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved”.
I don’t ask for grace – either from God for me or for me toward others. In fact – I don’t think I can ever remember asking for it.
Until the middle of July. It’s interesting that the last few posts that we wrote were about our craziness and how hard marriage is. If you need to go back and read those posts – please do. It’s important to what I’m writing here.
And – I don’t know if we shared this word from God on this blog or not – but I wanted to share it now.
I firmly believe that God gives words to people. And visions and dreams. This specific word in our life came from God through a dear friend. Two days after a conversation Jared and I had about our next pregnancy – should we ever have one. Two days after a decision that no one else knew about. A decision to not tell anyone if we got pregnant again. Not until the first trimester was over. Confirmation. While I don’t know much about God and how He communicates with us sometimes – I do know this. Confirmation is important. Very. Important. When you are given a word for someone – you don’t take it lightly. You hold it and pray. You might even consult with the ones that YOU hold dear and counsel with. You pray. And then you pray again. And – in my opinion – when God says – now. Share this now. You do. After prayer and consideration. But – like I said – that’s just my opinion – and I don’t know much about it. At all.
So – our dear friend sent us this in a text on 9.8.2012.
“You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester.
This is a promise from God and you will rename the son Enoch. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. The Enoch tattoo was intended as a remembrance BUT in God’s time was a prophetic act as to your next son’s name being branded.
It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!
I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!”
Awesome – right?
I share this now – because it’s important. When we announced our pregnancy at Fitzy’s birthday party – I read that text to everyone. Not the part about a son and a name – we waited to share that. And then when we blogged about it – we shared this. In joy and excitement. Not to bring focus to the person that God shared it with – who shared it with us – but bring honor and glory to God. To share His promise. His faithfulness. To encourage. To share what God does and is doing. Right this moment.
And when I look back on it – I can see the signs. Starting – the day we announced our pregnancy. The signs showing me that something wasn’t right. That while I was chalking it up to my emotions and being pregnant and being – well – crazy – there was something deeper going on. Something building. Something that would change my life. In what seemed like an instant. But was really building since that day. The something that made me beg God for grace. For myself and for my family.
While I am sure we will write about it more and share more as time goes on – for now – you just need to know this. That something was manic depression. That something was building in Jared. That something boiled over into mania the middle of July. I watched as my husband became someone I didn’t know. I begged him to stop acting so … strange. I had no idea what it was at first. I thought maybe it was my emotions again. Maybe I’m just being oversensitive. I had no idea that Jared was struggling under the surface. He didn’t have any idea. And it was the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
Once we figured out what was going on – I thought it would be over. Get some new medicine and he will be back to his normal self. Ya know – tomorrow. It didn’t happen like that. It got worse before it got better. It’s not my story to tell – so I won’t.
But I will tell you about grace. About how much I think that footprints poem is silly and overdone – but I can honestly tell you – without a doubt – that God carried (and is still carrying) me. It’s not so silly now. I am telling you that I have NEVER ever felt the strength of God like I have over the past month. While there were moments that I was absolutely confused. Hurting. Upset. Whether just in general or with my husband – I felt the strength of God – like never before. And I felt something else. His grace. At first – without even asking. Then more and more as I cried out and asked. Begged. Help me to not hold these things against Jared. Help me to not hold them against You.
It’s so easy to have the – why me – it’s not fair – mentality. I’ve been there before. Miscarrying and trying for a baby. It can take you to a deep dark place. A place where satan wants you to live. A place where he wants to drag you. A place where he will play dirty. One of our friends told me – satan’s goal is to confuse. Confuse your thoughts. Confuse your love. Confuse the good things that God has given you. The good things God is GOING to give you. And he will confuse you. And you must be prepared. So I prayed. I prayed that God would continue to pour out His grace on me. And give me a lot of it for Jared. Not God’s grace for him – I can’t do that. But the grace of a wife toward her husband. The forgiveness of a wife toward her husband. The love of a wife toward her husband. Please God – help me to support him and forgive him and show him grace. And while I asked for it quite a bit – I found that He was giving it to me quite a bit. And more. And some more.
While I am NOT a grudge holding person – I am a “don’t hurt me again” person. Forgiveness is amazing and awesome. It’s freeing. It’s beautiful. But I want to make sure that I don’t need to give it again. So – I guard myself. I don’t get as close as I was. Because while I need to forgive – I don’t need to be hurt over and over again. Which is true. But forgiveness isn’t a one time thing. Right? Not seven. Not seventy seven. Seventy times seven. Which doesn’t mean 490 times. Basically – always. Forever. Again? Yes. Again. So I know I needed it. And God gave it to me.
My heart only grew for my husband. My love dug deeper. The marriage fight. I was in it. I had a period of sadness and absolute despair. It was short compared to the period with boxing gloves on. Fighting. For my marriage. For my husband. For our boys. For our life together. For the glory of God.
Remember that certain part of the word we were given –
It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy.
Restore relationships. Not break them down. Restore. Our marriage. Our love. Our commitment. Right before and then right after Jared was diagnosed – I had weddings to shoot. The first one – I was angry when I heard those vows. I wanted to interject and say – what about when your husband acts insane and you don’t know what to do. Even then? What about when you are so confused and don’t understand this sudden change in your husband. Even then? Little did I know how much I needed to be there. Right then. Capturing a beautiful bride and her groom – promising their lives to one another. Not knowing what might be ahead of them. But making a promise to be there. Together. Fighting. For their marriage. And then the next wedding – I was a wreck. I cried when I heard their vows. Knowing that the answer was – yes – even then. Yes. In sickness and health. In good times and bad. For richer for poorer. In sorrow and in joy. Yes. Even then. Together. Fighting.
When someone asked what I needed – I told them. Pray for me. Pray that bitterness does not take root. Pray that I can encourage and love my husband. Pray that he will be better than ever through this. Pray for him. Pray for him. Pray for him. God is carrying me. Pray for him.
When I was 22 weeks pregnant with Fitzgerald – Jared told me that he was very depressed. He was in one of the darkest places I’ve ever seen him. When Fitzy was born – Jared finally felt “normal”. I was 22 weeks pregnant with Enoch when we discovered what was happening with Jared this time. The doctor told me that it might take 3 1/2 to 4 months for him to truly feel “normal”. Taking us right to our due date.
It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy.
Those are words that God gave us. Words that I held onto. Words that renewed my strength. Words that grew my faith. Words that I know are from God. This pregnancy – what happened last month – while I don’t understand why (and we will probably never know) – I do know that God knows. Because He is awesome.
Even through this – through everything – Danielle – how can you say that? Because He is. And if He isn’t. Then why are we here? What are we doing?
As for me and my family. We are serving Jesus. We are believing in His power. We are waiting for Him.
In grace. Simple. Elegant. Grace. A refined movement.