In the height of his mania – Jared told me that I was released from the vow I made to him on our wedding day. I could leave if I couldn’t handle what was happening (which none of us knew what really was happening at that point) and God would understand. He would forgive me. He said – go to your parents. Stay with them for a few months. Think about it. But my life is going to change – immensely – and I don’t think you are ready for it. I cried. So much. I begged him to stop acting so – crazy. Think about what he was saying. What it really meant. To leave? He couldn’t even explain to me what was happening. I couldn’t explain what was happening. We were at the beach – supposed to be having the time of our lives (which turns out – we did – just not in the way you usually think of it). We have a beautiful son together and another on the way. A specific promise from God. To us. Not just me. Us. Please – think about what you are saying. What you are doing. What it would really mean for me to leave and never see you again.
He felt at peace. He felt calm. He felt more in tune with God than at any other time in his life. From his perspective – he was slow and rational. Calm and making more sense than he ever had. To us – he was operating in fast forward. Making irrational decisions. He was anything but calm and very rarely made sense. It was – by far – the strangest and scariest experience of my life. This man that I had spent 10 years of my life with – was suddenly a different person. Completely different. With no evidence of the man I knew.
We were in deep. But then again – our whole relationship has been that way.
If you know me at all – you know that I don’t do things quietly. It’s all or nothing. While I hate drama – I am very dramatic. And my whole life – it’s always something. Maybe it’s why I have the view I do. While others call is pessimism – I call it reality. The man in black says it best. Life is pain highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. It’s such a perfect line. So true. While life is beautiful – it’s also painful. In my experience – more often than not. Constantly finding the beauty from pain. Seeing what the pain in life brings. Because God sees the whole plan – we can’t imagine what good the pain will do. But He knows. He’s known all along. Where we see hurt and heartache – He sees happiness and rejoicing.
In deep. When I said – I do. I meant just that. Yes. I do. For always. Now – don’t get me wrong. There are things that happen in marriages – relationships – that aren’t acceptable. Things that would most definitely make me leave. After – what I hope would be – several efforts at making it work. Counseling. Rehabilitation. Whatever was needed.
I knew this was different. I knew something wasn’t right. I knew this wasn’t Jared. But I had no clue what. In finding out that it was a manic episode and we would have to deal with this for a while – it made it easier. Only in the way that we had an answer. The process was hard. Painful. Ugly. It’s still hard. Not as much – thank You Jesus.
In deep. Yes – I was pregnant. Yes – we had a two year old to think about. Yes – I was terrified. Yes – I was scared. Yes – I was tired – mostly from crying. But I dug deeper. I prayed harder. Asked for strength beyond anything I could imagine. Told Fitzy stories about his daddy. How much he loved him. How we needed to pray for him. Dear Jesus – heal my daddy – amen. Again mommy? Dear Jesus – heal my daddy – amen. I tried – and failed at times – to not talk about it all in front of him. While I was hurt and confused and angry – I never wanted to put Jared in a bad light. I never wanted to tear him down. I never wanted Fitzy to be hurt and angry – just because I was. And you know what – that’s Jesus. The fact that I love my husband more today than 4 months ago – that’s Jesus.
I couldn’t leave. While I needed to think about myself and my babies – I also had to think about Jared. Because – that’s what marriage is. And I’ve done a pretty crappy job in that area – for most of our marriage. When I got married – I thought the hardest thing would be dealing with only child Jared. Turns out – the hardest thing was dealing with a bossy oldest child. One with ridiculous expectations of how things needed to look and be arranged. Jared and I both struggle with perfectionism. His is more about what people think of him and how he needs to be perceived by people. Mine is more about organization and having hangers an equal distance apart – ridiculous things that don’t matter. Things that take up way too much time and energy. Things that will never ever matter. Thankfully – I’ve learned that. For the most part. But when we were first married – it was tough. Jared certainly did not put the milk where it should go. He didn’t leave his towels on the right rack. His shoes didn’t go THERE – they go HERE. Seriously. I wish I was kidding. When life starts to spin out of my control – I take control. In those areas. And it gets intense. So really – truly – looking back – I was more in love with controlling Jared and making him into what I wanted than I was in sharing a life with him. Ugh. It’s rough to type that. And sometimes – that feeling creeps up on me. Life is getting out of control again – WHY AREN’T THE DISHES DONE. And Jared says – because there are only two bowls in the sink. And I huff out to the kitchen and do them – with an attitude. Because I need to have control. And order. In order to not spin out of control.
So I’m working on that. Learning to let go. To not be so selfish. And I’m not trying to say – Jared’s never selfish – don’t blame him. He totally is. And so am I. And the only person I CAN control – is me. The only reactions I CAN control are mine. God really knew what He was doing when he sent me Fitzy. When Fitzy spills something – he immediately looks at me and says – it’s okay momma (and moves his hands in a so-so motion) it’s okay momma. I sigh. I count to 3. And I say – right babe. It’s okay. It’s just water. Next time – let’s be more careful – but it’s just water. I could be wrong – but I’m pretty sure I haven’t freaked out on him about spilling something or putting something out of my precious order. God just knows that in order to reign in my crazy – I need that little boy to remind me – it’s okay.
Fitzy dealt with everything amazingly. He wanted his home. He wanted his daddy. I couldn’t keep him from him. For both of their sakes. Like I said – if certain things had happened – then I obviously wouldn’t have stayed in an unsafe environment. Being home kept life stable for Fitzy – as stable as it could be.
In deep. I cried to my mom – why now? Why couldn’t this have happened when we didn’t have kids? She said – because that would be one more reason to leave. You love Jared – I know that. But without kids in the picture – while it’s still hard – it’s easier to walk away. Easier to say – forget it. I didn’t sign up for this. You figure it out. And that’s not what I’m about – that’s not what marriage is about.
I prayed. And prayed and prayed. God – do You want me to leave him? Do I leave him to figure this out on his own?
When we were at the beach – when it got really intense – I said to Jared. Listen to me. I am not afraid to be a single mom. I’ve got awesome parents and an awesome family. You’ve got awesome parents and an awesome family. I can and will do it. Awesomely. But I am afraid of two things. Doing this life without you. And our boys experiencing this life without you. You are my love. And if you are telling me that God is speaking to you about this dream you have – then we will do it. I support you. I love you. I said yes. To you. But don’t you dare tell me that I can leave. Don’t tell me that you can do this without me – and not be sad about that.
After that conversation – we went inside. Jared laid down on the couch and fell asleep. I went in the bedroom and cried. And prayed. Prayed that God would make him sick. Make him blind. Make him deaf. Make him not know what day it was. Make him understand the severity of what was happening and let us take him to the hospital. I had called our family doctor and told him what was happening and he urged that Jared see a doctor. Now. I prayed like I’ve never prayed before. Things that are just out of my comfort zone to pray – and I don’t really know why. I said – Jesus lives in me. Therefore – I have power in Jesus’ name. Make him sick. Make him confused. Now.
I went out and woke him up – told him that our doctor was on the phone. Jared looked at me like he didn’t know me. He was panicked. He kept asking what day it was. He didn’t believe us. My heart raced. THANK YOU JESUS. He talked with our doctor and agreed to let us take him to the ER because physically he didn’t feel right. And so began a long and painful night. A night where I watched my husband break down and his mind betray him.
I prayed a lot – about a lot of things. And about leaving. For a short time – for a long time. And I never felt God say – yes. I put my feelings aside – of course I wanted to stay with my husband. But there were also times that running to my mom and dad’s and falling into their arms – for a long time – was very tempting. Very. I just can’t explain it. I never felt like I could.
Next year we will celebrate 10 years of marriage – and let me tell you – it will be a celebration! We’ve been through so much together. More than I ever thought would happen. Like I’ve said before – I don’t know what I expected to be ahead of us when I stood there and said I do – but it wasn’t this. At least – not this way. Not with so much pain and heartache.
I expected us to fall deeply in love with each passing day. And we have. I expected us to have beautiful children. And we do. I expected to touch people’s lives. And we are. We are in this. Deep. I didn’t expect that the hardest times of our lives would cause us to become closer. I didn’t expect to look back on the past 10 years and see how we’ve grown – so much. Grown up and just grown. As a husband and a wife. As a mother and a father. As a son and a daughter. I didn’t think that we would experience a miscarriage – let alone three. I didn’t think this would be our ministry. Praying for and encouraging people who are wanting a baby. People who are where we were. I didn’t think that I would ever feel insecure in our relationship. I didn’t think that experience could help anyone. And it has. It’s moved us closer together. It’s forced us to look at our marriage and what was missing. I didn’t think that my husband having a manic episode would be the amazing testimony that God was talking about when He told us about Enoch’s existence. I never thought that I would see anything good come from it. Anything. Ever. I never thought that I would be sitting here. With Fitzy leaning his little head against my shoulder. Christmas lights shining on the face of a second miracle. A miracle that is sleeping on his daddy’s chest. A daddy that four months ago – I wasn’t sure would be here – emotionally. Or physically for that matter.
I didn’t think our life would ever be the same. I didn’t think it would ever be normal. I’m discovering that it won’t. It won’t ever be the same. Or normal.
And that’s not a bad thing.
In fact – it might be the best thing that ever happens to us.
In deep. It’s what we ask of God. Take us deeper.
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”
When I asked google to define grace – I got this.
1. simple elegance or refinement of movement.
2. (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.
Wikipedia gave me this –
The love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it. It is understood by Christians to be a spontaneous gift from God to man – “generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved”.
I don’t ask for grace – either from God for me or for me toward others. In fact – I don’t think I can ever remember asking for it.
Until the middle of July. It’s interesting that the last few posts that we wrote were about our craziness and how hard marriage is. If you need to go back and read those posts – please do. It’s important to what I’m writing here.
And – I don’t know if we shared this word from God on this blog or not – but I wanted to share it now.
I firmly believe that God gives words to people. And visions and dreams. This specific word in our life came from God through a dear friend. Two days after a conversation Jared and I had about our next pregnancy – should we ever have one. Two days after a decision that no one else knew about. A decision to not tell anyone if we got pregnant again. Not until the first trimester was over. Confirmation. While I don’t know much about God and how He communicates with us sometimes – I do know this. Confirmation is important. Very. Important. When you are given a word for someone – you don’t take it lightly. You hold it and pray. You might even consult with the ones that YOU hold dear and counsel with. You pray. And then you pray again. And – in my opinion – when God says – now. Share this now. You do. After prayer and consideration. But – like I said – that’s just my opinion – and I don’t know much about it. At all.
So – our dear friend sent us this in a text on 9.8.2012.
“You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester.
This is a promise from God and you will rename the son Enoch. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. The Enoch tattoo was intended as a remembrance BUT in God’s time was a prophetic act as to your next son’s name being branded.
It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!
I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!”
Awesome – right?
I share this now – because it’s important. When we announced our pregnancy at Fitzy’s birthday party – I read that text to everyone. Not the part about a son and a name – we waited to share that. And then when we blogged about it – we shared this. In joy and excitement. Not to bring focus to the person that God shared it with – who shared it with us – but bring honor and glory to God. To share His promise. His faithfulness. To encourage. To share what God does and is doing. Right this moment.
And when I look back on it – I can see the signs. Starting – the day we announced our pregnancy. The signs showing me that something wasn’t right. That while I was chalking it up to my emotions and being pregnant and being – well – crazy – there was something deeper going on. Something building. Something that would change my life. In what seemed like an instant. But was really building since that day. The something that made me beg God for grace. For myself and for my family.
While I am sure we will write about it more and share more as time goes on – for now – you just need to know this. That something was manic depression. That something was building in Jared. That something boiled over into mania the middle of July. I watched as my husband became someone I didn’t know. I begged him to stop acting so … strange. I had no idea what it was at first. I thought maybe it was my emotions again. Maybe I’m just being oversensitive. I had no idea that Jared was struggling under the surface. He didn’t have any idea. And it was the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
Once we figured out what was going on – I thought it would be over. Get some new medicine and he will be back to his normal self. Ya know – tomorrow. It didn’t happen like that. It got worse before it got better. It’s not my story to tell – so I won’t.
But I will tell you about grace. About how much I think that footprints poem is silly and overdone – but I can honestly tell you – without a doubt – that God carried (and is still carrying) me. It’s not so silly now. I am telling you that I have NEVER ever felt the strength of God like I have over the past month. While there were moments that I was absolutely confused. Hurting. Upset. Whether just in general or with my husband – I felt the strength of God – like never before. And I felt something else. His grace. At first – without even asking. Then more and more as I cried out and asked. Begged. Help me to not hold these things against Jared. Help me to not hold them against You.
It’s so easy to have the – why me – it’s not fair – mentality. I’ve been there before. Miscarrying and trying for a baby. It can take you to a deep dark place. A place where satan wants you to live. A place where he wants to drag you. A place where he will play dirty. One of our friends told me – satan’s goal is to confuse. Confuse your thoughts. Confuse your love. Confuse the good things that God has given you. The good things God is GOING to give you. And he will confuse you. And you must be prepared. So I prayed. I prayed that God would continue to pour out His grace on me. And give me a lot of it for Jared. Not God’s grace for him – I can’t do that. But the grace of a wife toward her husband. The forgiveness of a wife toward her husband. The love of a wife toward her husband. Please God – help me to support him and forgive him and show him grace. And while I asked for it quite a bit – I found that He was giving it to me quite a bit. And more. And some more.
While I am NOT a grudge holding person – I am a “don’t hurt me again” person. Forgiveness is amazing and awesome. It’s freeing. It’s beautiful. But I want to make sure that I don’t need to give it again. So – I guard myself. I don’t get as close as I was. Because while I need to forgive – I don’t need to be hurt over and over again. Which is true. But forgiveness isn’t a one time thing. Right? Not seven. Not seventy seven. Seventy times seven. Which doesn’t mean 490 times. Basically – always. Forever. Again? Yes. Again. So I know I needed it. And God gave it to me.
My heart only grew for my husband. My love dug deeper. The marriage fight. I was in it. I had a period of sadness and absolute despair. It was short compared to the period with boxing gloves on. Fighting. For my marriage. For my husband. For our boys. For our life together. For the glory of God.
Remember that certain part of the word we were given –
It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy.
Restore relationships. Not break them down. Restore. Our marriage. Our love. Our commitment. Right before and then right after Jared was diagnosed – I had weddings to shoot. The first one – I was angry when I heard those vows. I wanted to interject and say – what about when your husband acts insane and you don’t know what to do. Even then? What about when you are so confused and don’t understand this sudden change in your husband. Even then? Little did I know how much I needed to be there. Right then. Capturing a beautiful bride and her groom – promising their lives to one another. Not knowing what might be ahead of them. But making a promise to be there. Together. Fighting. For their marriage. And then the next wedding – I was a wreck. I cried when I heard their vows. Knowing that the answer was – yes – even then. Yes. In sickness and health. In good times and bad. For richer for poorer. In sorrow and in joy. Yes. Even then. Together. Fighting.
When someone asked what I needed – I told them. Pray for me. Pray that bitterness does not take root. Pray that I can encourage and love my husband. Pray that he will be better than ever through this. Pray for him. Pray for him. Pray for him. God is carrying me. Pray for him.
When I was 22 weeks pregnant with Fitzgerald – Jared told me that he was very depressed. He was in one of the darkest places I’ve ever seen him. When Fitzy was born – Jared finally felt “normal”. I was 22 weeks pregnant with Enoch when we discovered what was happening with Jared this time. The doctor told me that it might take 3 1/2 to 4 months for him to truly feel “normal”. Taking us right to our due date.
It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy.
Those are words that God gave us. Words that I held onto. Words that renewed my strength. Words that grew my faith. Words that I know are from God. This pregnancy – what happened last month – while I don’t understand why (and we will probably never know) – I do know that God knows. Because He is awesome.
Even through this – through everything – Danielle – how can you say that? Because He is. And if He isn’t. Then why are we here? What are we doing?
As for me and my family. We are serving Jesus. We are believing in His power. We are waiting for Him.
In grace. Simple. Elegant. Grace. A refined movement.
Marriage. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. For me – it’s harder than being a mom. While I have only been a mom for a little over 2 years – I’ve known my whole life that I would be one. To be honest – the whole being married part – didn’t really enter my thoughts. I mean – I knew I would be married. But – you just get married. And you live happily ever after. Because you are married. Because that’s what they say. Because that’s what happens at the end of movies.
Parenting is hard work. Parenting is exhausting and time consuming. Parenting is about letting go of your selfishness. Not marriage. And while parenting IS all of the above. Marriage is hard work. Marriage is exhausting and time consuming. Marriage is about letting go of your selfishness.
Marriage is much harder than parenting. For me. Right now. Or – maybe it’s marriage AND parenting combined.
Right now – I am extremely emotional. I am extremely sensitive. I am on edge. (I wrote about that here) So maybe right now – marriage is harder than usual.
It all comes down to this. Jared doesn’t listen to me and do what I want him to do. I think he should do certain things – without me telling him. Things that are painfully obvious to me.
And it’s stupid stuff. Right now – in a moment of rationale – I can see that. I can admit it. But in the moment of the issue – I’m extremely irrational. I know I am – but I can’t stop. It’s like I’m telling myself – just don’t say it. Just don’t say it – just don’t … BLAH BLAH BLAH. YOU DIDN’T DO THIS AND THAT. WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. WHY DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT ME. Seriously. It boils over – out of control. And I can see it when the smoke has cleared – but when the same exact situation comes up again – I freak out.
Here’s the crappy part – being married to Jared isn’t really that hard. Being married to me – is crazy hard.
I would love to tell you – and sometimes think – I can let things go. And while I can forgive – it’s hard for me to forget. When Jared does or doesn’t do something once – then I expect it to happen again and again. Which is really just me setting him up for failure. If I believe that he will always screw up (no matter what) – he will most likely screw up (no matter what) – because I’ve already prepared myself (and him) for that. That’s the excuse I use. Being prepared for the worst. Seriously.
I would love to tell you that I’m the encouraging wife – in every and any area of life. When it comes to anything. But – I suck. Like – really really suck. Words of praise and encouragement are Jared’s love language – he needs it. And the concept is absolutely ridiculous to me. (Again – not in the concept of parenting – I get that. They are just little guys that need positive reinforcement – but in the case of grown men – or women – I don’t get it) I wanted to start a business – so I did. I made up my mind to lose weight – so I did. Again – I don’t say this to be insensitive to anyone – just to let you know a little of what goes on inside this head.
Jared has spent most of his life trying to blend in with the crowd – not make waves – make people happy. I’ve spent most of my life trying to stand out in the crowd – be proud of being the goofy girl – not concerned with how people view me. Obviously – there are pros and cons to each situation. Jared craves encouragement and recognition. I crave time and service.
When I come home and Jared has picked up or done the dishes – he waits for recognition. I feel that I don’t need to say anything because that’s just something you have to do every day. I don’t get thanked for keeping up the house and doing laundry and blah blah blah. But then again – it’s not important to me. I don’t need it. He does. I just needed the house picked up and dishes to be done.
Why is it so hard for to me to say – thanks for doing the dishes. Why is it so hard for me to say – yes – go golfing. Why is it so hard for me to say – great job. Why is it so hard for me to leave shoes out of place. Why is it so hard for me to see the things that Jared has done to help instead of doing what I do best in pointing out the things he hasn’t.
Last weekend – I was explaining this to my parents. I said – I’m just so irritable right now! My dad said – as compared to what? He was joking – but not really. It’s not that I’m an unpleasant person – but I am a particular person.
I know that. Jared knew that when he married me. And while you shouldn’t want to change the person you marry – you try. And hopefully YOU end up being changed. It’s happening – even if it’s ever so slowly. I’m not as freaked out about things being “perfect” like I once was. I’m not nearly as uptight and stubborn as I once was – believe it or not. I’m trying – even as I type this – to think rationally. To pick my battles – so they say. To let things go. I don’t consider myself a fixer – although I know people would disagree. Instead of a fixer – I’m more like a – if you would just listen to me and do things my way – person. Which might be why mothering comes easy to me and marriage is harder.
But in the end – mothering isn’t about that either. Mothering and marriage is about trust. Trust in God. I can’t even say trust in your spouse. Because your spouse will fail you. Your kids will fail you. The only person you can really truly trust is God. And when you both trust in God to protect and guide your marriage (and your kids) – it’s a little easier. Still hard (for me) because I have control issues which means I have trust issues. And while marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done – nothing in this world worth having comes easy. I have a husband who loves me and stands by me (crazy or not) and I know why. Because he loves me – which has to be hard. And I love him.