the marriage fight

Does your spouse do one or a couple things in particular that drive you absolutely bonkers? A couple pet peeves, perhaps?

I promise I’m not trying to score brownie points here, but I truly don’t have very many pet peeves when it comes to Danielle. For that, I’m incredibly grateful.

When push comes to shove, there really is only one that sticks out in my mind. I believe Danielle has something programmed in her brain that says the following, “hey Jared just sat down, put out the recliner and got all set up with his MacBook/iPad/iPhone. Now would be the perfect time to ask him to get up and get you something”) I’m fairly certain that’s how it works.

It’s especially maddening when I have just left a room that she asks me to go back to. Ahhhh! I was just in there, why didn’t you mention it then? Or on my way in?

This phenomenon seems to happen almost without fail. But really, if this is the worst I have to deal with, I’ll take it.

It’s important to not let the pet peeves about our spouses grow to the point where we are just looking for faults everywhere. Because, believe me, we ALL have more than our fair share of faults.

What are some of the things that your spouse does that drive you nutty?

There have been a handful of times throughout my life when I thought, “this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.” And, perhaps, at those stages of life each one of them were. Hard to say for certain.

I remember talking with (I believe it was) my dad before we had Fitzy. When I asked him what changes when you have a baby, he said, “everything”. My response went something like, “thanks for being so helpful, Dad. Can you give me an example?” His response, “everything.”

As always, he was right. Oh man, was he right.

I’d love to be able to sit here and tell you how wonderful the first year of fatherhood has been, and how it’s made me such a better person and how life has been a bowl full of cherries, but that would be, mostly, lies.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a father is great. Fitzy is AMAZING. He’s one of the happiest little guys I’ve ever seen, even when he’s super sick with ear infections. I’m fairly certain his smile is infectious too

But being a dad is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. (I know, I know, it doesn’t get any easier for the next 20+ years or so, or ever, for that matter).

I’ve always known I’ve had a “selfish bent”, if you will, mostly because I grew up as an only child. I was used to getting most of the things I wanted (trust me, you might think all but definitely NOT all) and doing things on my own schedule.

Having Fitzy has shown me that, at times, I can be incredibly selfish. I don’t know how many different times over the past year I’ve mentioned that I just need some “space” or “alone time”, because helping out with a baby is exhausting. And I don’t even deal with the brunt of it. I’m gone 8-10 hours a day. Danielle has to maintain her job with Barden Photography, do photo shoots, weddings, edit, etc. AND take care of Fitzy. All day. If anyone has the right to complain about needing free time, it’s definitely Danielle.

It’s also tough, because sometimes I just want to be alone. Again, I think this comes from me being an only child. I am used to being alone, and often, I enjoy it. Danielle has always been pretty much the opposite. As the oldest of 3 there was always someone around, who most likely “needed” mothering.

Me? I love my alone time. Whether it’s occupying my “nothing” box (another post for another day), messing around on the computer, reading or playing golf, I love having that time to myself. I remember having to adjust when we were first married to having someone who, for all intents and purposes, was around “all the time.”

Having Fitzy has completely shifted the “alone” paradigm. It’s crazy to have to be responsible for someone who needs you to survive. It is an honor and privilege for sure, and a HUGE responsibility. But it can get taxing. I feel like recently, in the past couple months or so, I’ve gotten more used to putting Fitzy’s needs ahead of my own and trying to ditch my more selfish tendencies, but it hasn’t been easy.

I can’t speak for other dads out there, but it has helped me a lot now that Fitzy is able to interact with me more. He’s developing his own little personality and is ever-increasingly more fun to interact and play with. In fact, he and I spent about 2.5 hours together the other night while Momma was away on a photo shoot, and we survived! That might not seem like a big deal to some of you reading this, but for me it was.

The effect adding a baby has had on my relationship with Danielle has also been huge. On one hand, it’s been amazing. It’s brought us closer together, makes us marvel at our little miracle baby God blessed us with, etc. On the other hand, it’s been TOUGH.

It’s been a struggle and a process to adjust to the changes we’ve had to make in our relationship. At different times this first year, especially when Fitzy was just a few months old, I often felt like I took a back seat to Fitzy and Barden Photography. Danielle and I talked about it a lot. I had to realize, especially at that very young age, that Fitzy was pretty much totally dependent on Danielle, and it wasn’t that she was trying to ignore me, but Fitzy NEEDED her. The more I was able to see that helped things, but it was definitely a challenge.

We’ve both had to adjust as our roles have changed from not “just” husband and wife but to mom and dad as well. I feel like, for the most part, we’ve done a good job at the transition, but that doesn’t mean it’s been easy.

I feel like this post has been a bit all over the place, but the important takeaway is that fatherhood is HARD, but it’s so so worth it. If you’re struggling with being a dad, feeling guilty, or anything like that, don’t. You’re not alone.

I think the biggest key when you’re dealing with all the changes that fatherhood / a baby brings is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Don’t let your feelings just fester inside, where they can oftentimes get the best of you. For me, being open with Danielle about these issues has been a huge help.

When baby makes 3 or 4 or 5, remember to fight for your marriage!

There aren’t many more statements out there more false than this one, in my opinion.

More like “love means ALWAYS having to say you’re sorry.” I guess maybe always having to say you’re sorry is a bad thing though, because it means your behavior isn’t changing much. Shoot.

I read Danielle’s post a few minutes ago. She says that she says she’s sorry a lot. I’m sure she does, but I’m pretty sure I have her beat in this area, and I’m fairly certain she would admit that also. I’m always quick to say I’m sorry. Probably to a fault at times. I’m sure that has to do with my need to people please, but that’s another post for another day.

I guess I use “I’m sorry” as a way to defuse situations before they get too out of hand, when I don’t even genuinely mean it at sometimes. Hoping that an “I’m sorry” will smooth things over and we can just move on. Usually doesn’t work out that way.

The problem is I have to say I’m sorry for the same things again and again. A LOT sometimes. And that kinda sucks, because it means (as I mentioned earlier) apparently I’m not changing, and so I have to apologize for whatever it is I’m doing that’s causing pain. Again.

Ugh.

Why do we so easily hurt the ones we love the most? I guess if we had that one figured out, we wouldn’t have to say “I’m sorry” quite so often.

When I went through a DARK bout of anxiety/depression, I remember (or at least I think I remember) apologizing to Danielle a lot. Apologizing for putting her through the pain of watching me deal with the emotions, apologizing for not being myself, apologizing for just the whole mess. She always reminded me that I was there by her side when she went through her TMJ pain, and that she would be by my side – no matter what. I am a blessed man.

More recently it’s been different things I’ve had to apologize for. I had to apologize for not being there for Danielle and Fitzy like they needed me, especially the early parts of his life. I’ve had to apologize for being so incredibly angry at life in general – angry because we had another miscarriage, angry because I was selfish and didn’t want to have a little girl, angry because things aren’t going my way (in my view of how things should play out), angry that other people seem to be getting blessed when we aren’t, just plain angry.

I’ve also had to apologize for being relationally selfish, for not seeing how things I was doing were hurting Danielle, and for not being as good a father as I feel I can be. These have been some new / hard things to apologize for.

It is humbling to apologize. No, not to just say “I’m sorry” like it’s some sort of Harry Potter magic spell that will make things all better again, but to truly apologize and strive to change and be different.

THAT is hard. But the successful completion of our marriage vows depend on it. We’re going to need forgiveness, and we’re going to need to give it as well. It’s inevitable, unless you married a perfect person (NEWS FLASH: you didn’t).

And forgiveness can be hard. Super hard. Especially when you’ve been wronged, and have “a right” to be angry. Boy, am I glad God doesn’t use that logic when it comes to forgiving me, or else it would be Game Over. I’m reminded of Jesus, when he taught the disciples how to pray saying (paraphrased), “and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” It’s so crucial that we forgive each other, ESPECIALLY in marriage. There is something freeing about forgiving, but even more so about forgiving your spouse. Most likely because the relationship of spouse to spouse is the closest we can come to comparing to the relationship between God and us.

If you’re going to fight for your marriage – forgive. Ask for forgiveness. And strive to change so that the amount of times you have to say “I’m sorry” for the same issue decreases on a daily basis.

Once up a time, in a galaxy far, far away…oh wait, I got distracted for a minute.

The story of us. Guess I’ll start at the beginning.

“Us” had quite the interesting start, for sure. Danielle and I were acquaintances in college for probably a year or so before we got together. We both attended at various times Campus Crusade for Christ and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. In the fall semester of 2002 things were not going well with my current girlfriend. As Danielle mentioned in her post, we started chatting on IM shortly before Theresa and I broke up.

I won’t get into all the details of what happened after the break up, but looking back on it now, it was probably preparation for some other hard “break ups” (with churches, friends, etc.) that we’ve gone through in our married life, but those are stories for another day.

Danielle and I began dating not long after Theresa and I broke up. I totally (or totes, if you prefer) invited myself over to Danielle’s brother’s (Derek’s) soccer game during the middle of the week, and my mom kinda flipped out on me a bit. I mentioned I was going with a friend and that the friend was a girl. I definitely got the, “Jared – what are you thinking?!?!?” from Mom on that one for sure.

I was pretty nervous as I sat in the car in Troy waiting for any sign of Danielle and her sister. And then meeting the parents. You never know how that’s gonna go, but we hit it off from the get go. I think her dad (Will) had me at “Mountain Dew” and “video games”.

I could just say the rest from there is history, but what fun would that be?

I continued to follow Danielle around like a love sick puppy dog, from that point on.

I guess I should back up and mention that Danielle always had this “mysterious” vibe to her. She wore tall boots (sometimes) and darkish clothes, and was super confident. No, she wasn’t dressed like Trinity from The Matrix, but there was definitely something more to her, I just wasn’t sure what that something was.

I’ll never forget the night she spoke at, I believe, Campus Crusades. I couldn’t tell you what all she said, but I remember it made a huge impact on me and was sort of the spark of the “hey, there might be something MORE to this girl” for me.

Also, Danielle mentioned she came to borrow some movies from me. That’s true. What she failed to mention is that she basically threw herself in front of me (the movies were on the shelf above my desk) while I was working (or probably playing) on my laptop. Totally innocent, I’m sure, but I just figured I’d throw that in there.

From then on, Danielle and I were pretty much inseparable, which was good, because a lot of friendships were lost or severely strained for a while, so it was pretty much “us against the world.”

I proposed almost a year to the day we started dating, and we were married a few months later (GREAT stories for another post).

And now, here we are, almost 8 years of marriage later. I won’t rehash everything we’ve been through as a couple, but I feel like we’ve seen ALOT, especially for the (relatively) short amount of time we’ve been together. From day 1 we determined that the “D” word was NEVER on the table, and I’m so glad we did that. There were moments when throwing in the towel would have been super easy, but my life WOULD NOT be the same without Danielle, and that would be awful.

Even after almost 8 years of living together, it’s still hard work. Even on the little things. Sometimes (a lot of times) I forget the mundane stuff (where shoes SHOULD go, trash, you name it), and I know it drives Danielle crazy to no end. Sometimes she wants stuff done RIGHT NOW, when, in truth, it can wait a bit (even if she’ll tell you otherwise ) Sometimes I just need my space (probably since I’m an only child), and Danielle wants to be together all the time (probably something to do with coming from a bigger family).

We both have our quirks and things that drive each other absolutely bananas, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Adjusting to life with a baby has been HARD. There’s no two ways around it. Unfortunately for all of us, I spent about the first third of Fity’s first year fighting severe anxiety and depression (yet another post for another day), and while I was “there” I was pretty much checked out for that time, and that really sucks. I know already it’s been used for a greater purpose, but I wish that hadn’t been the case. I’m working on learning how to be a good dad, how to play and interact (I’ve never been a huge small children fan), learning to help out, learning to adjust to it being “the three of us” instead of “the two of us” and so many other things. But, again, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Danielle mentioned we’ll cover the gamut of topics on this blog. Some you will identify with. Some you won’t. I’m sure there will be times you disagree. Please keep reading anyway. And please give your feedback. The blog will be better for it, and we will all be better for it as well. We’ll step on some toes, but that’s ok too.

So, there we are. That, in a nutshell, is the story of us.