the marriage fight

Posted By on May 11, 2012 | 0 comments


There aren’t many more statements out there more false than this one, in my opinion.

More like “love means ALWAYS having to say you’re sorry.” I guess maybe always having to say you’re sorry is a bad thing though, because it means your behavior isn’t changing much. Shoot.

I read Danielle’s post a few minutes ago. She says that she says she’s sorry a lot. I’m sure she does, but I’m pretty sure I have her beat in this area, and I’m fairly certain she would admit that also. I’m always quick to say I’m sorry. Probably to a fault at times. I’m sure that has to do with my need to people please, but that’s another post for another day.

I guess I use “I’m sorry” as a way to defuse situations before they get too out of hand, when I don’t even genuinely mean it at sometimes. Hoping that an “I’m sorry” will smooth things over and we can just move on. Usually doesn’t work out that way.

The problem is I have to say I’m sorry for the same things again and again. A LOT sometimes. And that kinda sucks, because it means (as I mentioned earlier) apparently I’m not changing, and so I have to apologize for whatever it is I’m doing that’s causing pain. Again.

Ugh.

Why do we so easily hurt the ones we love the most? I guess if we had that one figured out, we wouldn’t have to say “I’m sorry” quite so often.

When I went through a DARK bout of anxiety/depression, I remember (or at least I think I remember) apologizing to Danielle a lot. Apologizing for putting her through the pain of watching me deal with the emotions, apologizing for not being myself, apologizing for just the whole mess. She always reminded me that I was there by her side when she went through her TMJ pain, and that she would be by my side – no matter what. I am a blessed man.

More recently it’s been different things I’ve had to apologize for. I had to apologize for not being there for Danielle and Fitzy like they needed me, especially the early parts of his life. I’ve had to apologize for being so incredibly angry at life in general – angry because we had another miscarriage, angry because I was selfish and didn’t want to have a little girl, angry because things aren’t going my way (in my view of how things should play out), angry that other people seem to be getting blessed when we aren’t, just plain angry.

I’ve also had to apologize for being relationally selfish, for not seeing how things I was doing were hurting Danielle, and for not being as good a father as I feel I can be. These have been some new / hard things to apologize for.

It is humbling to apologize. No, not to just say “I’m sorry” like it’s some sort of Harry Potter magic spell that will make things all better again, but to truly apologize and strive to change and be different.

THAT is hard. But the successful completion of our marriage vows depend on it. We’re going to need forgiveness, and we’re going to need to give it as well. It’s inevitable, unless you married a perfect person (NEWS FLASH: you didn’t).

And forgiveness can be hard. Super hard. Especially when you’ve been wronged, and have “a right” to be angry. Boy, am I glad God doesn’t use that logic when it comes to forgiving me, or else it would be Game Over. I’m reminded of Jesus, when he taught the disciples how to pray saying (paraphrased), “and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” It’s so crucial that we forgive each other, ESPECIALLY in marriage. There is something freeing about forgiving, but even more so about forgiving your spouse. Most likely because the relationship of spouse to spouse is the closest we can come to comparing to the relationship between God and us.

If you’re going to fight for your marriage – forgive. Ask for forgiveness. And strive to change so that the amount of times you have to say “I’m sorry” for the same issue decreases on a daily basis.

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