the marriage fight

I remember when we found us we were pregnant for the first time. It was so surreal.

Actually, let me rewind a bit first. Danielle mentioned that I was a bit apprehensive about having kids, and she was absolutely right. Terrified is probably a better word.

I’ve never really shared this with many people, and it’s pretty embarrassing. When Danielle was going through her insane problems with TMJ, I was glad. Not glad that she was suffering but glad to know that meant we’d be waiting a little while before having kids. Terrible, I know.

OK, fast forward to us finding out we were expecting.

It was right before heading to Florida to take part in one of my best friend’s weddings. We had just gotten our new Great Dane, Schrute. Life was so good.

I remember calling people as we were waiting for our plane in Elmira. We got to share the good news with our friends, the Yoders and the Fitches on the way down to the Sunshine state. It was just amazing. I remembering trying to be careful because I didn’t want to steal the thunder of our friends’ wedding.

And then I remember the life-altering bad news. They couldn’t see anything on the ultrasound. Nothing. Just blackness. I remember not even being able to comprehend what was happening. And then Danielle made it home. And I cried. And cried. And cried. It quite literally felt like my heart was breaking. One of the darkest moments of my life, for sure.

But we made it. Life returned to some normalcy, but the pain was there. Little things would happen that would bring the tears flooding again, but life went on.

I had to be the strong one for Danielle. She was in a bad place. She wanted noting more than to be a mama. And it wasn’t happening. For months. And it seemed like everyone around us was being blessed with little ones. It just didn’t make sense. It was a hard 18 months. Trying to remind your best friend that you just need to trust God, even though it doesn’t make sense and even though it was pretty much the last thing she wanted to hear.

And then we watched Danielle’s cousin’s baby for a night. What an eye opener! It was more then either of us bargained for. And then Danielle said she was OK with it just being us for the time being. I couldn’t believe it! I knew it was definitely God changing her heart.

And Boom. We were pregnant again. And terrified and excited and a whole host of other emotions. Like Danielle mentioned it was pretty much a perfect pregnancy. Danielle literally glowed. It was awesome!

On April 28, 2011 I met the most amazing little man ever. Even though I was in the midst of a rough patch of anxiety/depression, it was awesome.

Our lives haven’t been the same since!

Fast forward to 2012. We found out we were pregnant again early in the year. I wasn’t too worried because the pregnancy with Fitzy had gone so well.

Imagine my shock when I found out we were miscarrying again. It was a punch to the gut. I took it really hard, and it took me to a very dark place. I got really angry. Especially with God. Even though it wasn’t his fault. It took our marriage to one of its lowest points, but we survived. Through God’s grace.

A few months passed, and we found out we were pregnant again. Again, I was pretty optimistic, but worried too. We reached the dreaded 8 weeks again, and there was potential bad news. The Dr. said things didn’t look quite right on the ultrasound. We were scheduled for another ultrasound. When the second ultrasound was finished the tech never showed us where the baby was. I had held out hope thinking I had possibly seen a little baby on screen. That hope never played out the way I wanted. We were miscarrying. Again.

This third miscarriage almost sent me right over the edge. I know it was God helping me to hold it together. Again. He was faithful even though I blamed Him once more.

And here we are. We have one amazing, beautiful, happy baby boy in our arms, and three little ones we have to wait a little longer to see. It’s still really hard. Sometimes I’ll hear or see something that just makes me break down. I miss those little ones so much. But I’m so thankful we get to have little Fitzy in our lives.

There have been times throughout these three miscarriages when I’ve wanted to give up. There still are times. But we go on. With God’s grace. Believing in what we can’t see. Holding on to hope. Holding on to Jesus. Holding the hands of a beautiful little boy.