There have been a handful of times throughout my life when I thought, “this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.” And, perhaps, at those stages of life each one of them were. Hard to say for certain.
I remember talking with (I believe it was) my dad before we had Fitzy. When I asked him what changes when you have a baby, he said, “everything”. My response went something like, “thanks for being so helpful, Dad. Can you give me an example?” His response, “everything.”
As always, he was right. Oh man, was he right.
I’d love to be able to sit here and tell you how wonderful the first year of fatherhood has been, and how it’s made me such a better person and how life has been a bowl full of cherries, but that would be, mostly, lies.
Don’t get me wrong. Being a father is great. Fitzy is AMAZING. He’s one of the happiest little guys I’ve ever seen, even when he’s super sick with ear infections. I’m fairly certain his smile is infectious too 
But being a dad is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. (I know, I know, it doesn’t get any easier for the next 20+ years or so, or ever, for that matter).
I’ve always known I’ve had a “selfish bent”, if you will, mostly because I grew up as an only child. I was used to getting most of the things I wanted (trust me, you might think all but definitely NOT all) and doing things on my own schedule.
Having Fitzy has shown me that, at times, I can be incredibly selfish. I don’t know how many different times over the past year I’ve mentioned that I just need some “space” or “alone time”, because helping out with a baby is exhausting. And I don’t even deal with the brunt of it. I’m gone 8-10 hours a day. Danielle has to maintain her job with Barden Photography, do photo shoots, weddings, edit, etc. AND take care of Fitzy. All day. If anyone has the right to complain about needing free time, it’s definitely Danielle.
It’s also tough, because sometimes I just want to be alone. Again, I think this comes from me being an only child. I am used to being alone, and often, I enjoy it. Danielle has always been pretty much the opposite. As the oldest of 3 there was always someone around, who most likely “needed” mothering.
Me? I love my alone time. Whether it’s occupying my “nothing” box (another post for another day), messing around on the computer, reading or playing golf, I love having that time to myself. I remember having to adjust when we were first married to having someone who, for all intents and purposes, was around “all the time.”
Having Fitzy has completely shifted the “alone” paradigm. It’s crazy to have to be responsible for someone who needs you to survive. It is an honor and privilege for sure, and a HUGE responsibility. But it can get taxing. I feel like recently, in the past couple months or so, I’ve gotten more used to putting Fitzy’s needs ahead of my own and trying to ditch my more selfish tendencies, but it hasn’t been easy.
I can’t speak for other dads out there, but it has helped me a lot now that Fitzy is able to interact with me more. He’s developing his own little personality and is ever-increasingly more fun to interact and play with. In fact, he and I spent about 2.5 hours together the other night while Momma was away on a photo shoot, and we survived! That might not seem like a big deal to some of you reading this, but for me it was.
The effect adding a baby has had on my relationship with Danielle has also been huge. On one hand, it’s been amazing. It’s brought us closer together, makes us marvel at our little miracle baby God blessed us with, etc. On the other hand, it’s been TOUGH.
It’s been a struggle and a process to adjust to the changes we’ve had to make in our relationship. At different times this first year, especially when Fitzy was just a few months old, I often felt like I took a back seat to Fitzy and Barden Photography. Danielle and I talked about it a lot. I had to realize, especially at that very young age, that Fitzy was pretty much totally dependent on Danielle, and it wasn’t that she was trying to ignore me, but Fitzy NEEDED her. The more I was able to see that helped things, but it was definitely a challenge.
We’ve both had to adjust as our roles have changed from not “just” husband and wife but to mom and dad as well. I feel like, for the most part, we’ve done a good job at the transition, but that doesn’t mean it’s been easy.
I feel like this post has been a bit all over the place, but the important takeaway is that fatherhood is HARD, but it’s so so worth it. If you’re struggling with being a dad, feeling guilty, or anything like that, don’t. You’re not alone.
I think the biggest key when you’re dealing with all the changes that fatherhood / a baby brings is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Don’t let your feelings just fester inside, where they can oftentimes get the best of you. For me, being open with Danielle about these issues has been a huge help.
When baby makes 3 or 4 or 5, remember to fight for your marriage!
Recent Comments