If you’re new to The Marriage Fight, or you haven’t been here since we haven’t posted in forever, here’s a quick run down of how things work.

We typically tackle a subject from both points of view. You’ll get a “He Said” post and a “She Said” post on a variety of different topics.

June this year will mark 15, FIFTEEN, years of marriage for us. We have two boys, Fitzy who is now almost 8 and Enoch who just turned 5.

We’ve seen really high highs and some really low lows. You can read more about that in our archives.

Again, whether you’re a first time visitor or you’re brand new to our site, welcome! We hope you enjoy the process of fighting for instead of in your marriage.

Being a dad is hard. Mostly because I’m not a kid person. I find it hard to relate, hard to pretend “play”, etc.

But marriage. Marriage is hard. Marriage is everyday. It’s 24/7 hard. Like hard. For realz (as the kids say).

Don’t get me wrong. I love being married, and I LOVE Danielle, but loving Danielle every day and holding up my end of the vows is not always a walk in the park.

You see, I’m fairly forgetful, I think it’s part of the Male condition, for whatever reason. And Danielle values having things done (gifts of service for you 5 Love Languages peeps). And I try, I really do. Sometimes I try too much and just ending up forgetting in incredibly epic fashion. #FAIL, if you will.

And yet Danielle loves me, even though I drive her completely cuckoo at times. For that, I’m eternally grateful. She claims not to be patient and caring sometimes, but she is.

Lately Danielle has been “interesting” to live with. I blame the baby! (just kidding, Baby Barden) Something about hormones and such. And I get it. I do. But it can be challenging at times. I risked bodily harm by informing her one evening that she was, frankly, being crazy. She took it remarkably well, because she’s awesome like that. She can admit when she’s being more Almond Joy than Mounds.

And here’s a little secret. Ready? Being an only child, I value my alone time. Because for roughly 20 years of my life or so I basically had as much of it as I wanted. So to be by myself for a day, or two, or three, is no big deal. It’s not that I don’t like being around Danielle or Fitzy, but sometimes…I just need my space.

I enjoy golfing. 3-4 hours of just being out in the elements playing a game that is deeply maddening and enjoyable at the same time, usually with friends. It’s one of my favorite things to do. But, it does take me away from the rest of my family. So I am working on finding a balance. Which is hard.

Lately Danielle has been on my nerves and I’ve been on hers. Sometimes I think we need a separate vacation, but you didn’t hear that from me I think my problem is that I assume she’s going to be upset about something, so I go on defense automatically. I just can’t help it. And Danielle assumes I will forget something or not do something, so she goes into “prepare to be disappointed” mode, if you will.

And yet we work. We keep at it, because it’s worth it. Now, more than ever, society needs examples of marriages that work, in spite of all the challenges. So we fight.

I know – it’s a television show – it’s NOT real. Just remember that I know that.

Pam was engaged. To a jerk. She wasn’t happy. She met Jim at work. They became close friends. They fell in love. Jim asked her to choose him. She said no. Jim left. Pam called off the wedding. Jim started dating someone else. But we all knew they were meant to be. They FINALLY got together. They got married. Had two babies. Jim got a new job. His focus changed. Pam may have gotten a little too close to a friend – a guy friend. They are asking the hard questions to other people – not each other.

Why would the writers take it down this road? This can’t happen to Jim and Pam. They have the perfect relationship.

Because it happens. To the best of us.

We lose sight of what it means to be married. What it means to actually put someone else ahead of our own needs and wants. We get selfish. We start to confide in someone else. We start to put more value in their opinion than our spouse’s. We start to assume.

And then it all comes out. We find out that we’ve lied to each other. We’ve lied to ourselves. We’ve become someone we don’t recognize. We’ve said things that we regret. We’ve asked each other questions that we never thought we would. We don’t know how to trust each other.

Because it happens. To the best of us.

Because we aren’t the best. Because we are human. Because we are sinful.

Because we need Jesus more than we need each other. And sometimes crappy stuff has to happen for us to realize that.

Jim and Pam can make it. They need to ask each other the hard questions. They need to cry. They need to say I’m sorry. They need to forgive. They need to get on the same page.

Sacrifices had to be made. An aspect of my job. A relationship with a friend. The reliance on a FACEBOOK account. Time. Sleep. Priorities.

It was hard. Really truly very hard. We talked. We cried. We yelled. We forgave. We learned to trust again. We re-evaluated our marriage. What it meant to be in this. Together. What the new rules had to be and living within those boundaries.

A year ago – I didn’t know what would happen. I wasn’t sure where we would be today. Seriously.

We turned to Jesus. And he helped us turn to each other and stay there. We’re on the same page. We’ve made sacrifices. We are in an awesome place – a place I didn’t think could exist. It was hard. Because life is hard. But so worth it.

While we didn’t turn to marriage counseling – we would have. If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with your spouse – no matter what the issue is – it’s not going to just go away. I’m willing to bet it will only get worse. Confront the issue. Let your feelings be heard – not pushed aside. Remember that your marriage is more important than any friendship. Remember that you are in this together. Remember why you got married in the first place. Remember why you fell in love. Go there. Stay there.

This season they’ve introduced a new story line where Jim takes a job in Philadelphia for a sports marketing company. Jim took the job without his wife, Pam, knowing. Then he invested a large chunk of change in the startup. Finally he starts commuting between Scranton and Philadelphia, and at this point in the season he seems to be in Philadelphia more often than not.

Along the way, as one would expect, tensions grow. To the point where Jim gets a bit frustrated and “nasty”, if you will, with Pam during several exchanges.

And then it happened. All of a sudden it becomes somewhat clear that one of the cameramen working on the documentary has a thing for Pam.  He saves her from an enraged warehouse employee, offers a shoulder to cry on after a rough conversation with Jim, etc.

I HATE, HATE, HATED this storyline at first. I was afraid they were ruining one of the best story arcs of the entire series. If they messed with Jim and Pam, I was not going to be a happy camper!

Truth is, this story, and stories like it, are all too familiar in our society. It happens to the best of us. I know.

Last year was a rough year for us. We had a 1-year old who was <strong>not</strong> sleeping well, which basically turned us into parent zombies, had just gone through the first of 2 miscarriages of the year and were dealing with settling into a new church after a rough experience. Needless to say, things were stressful.

I can identify with the Jim/Pam arc in that I lost sight of what was important in my life. I started to value other people’s opinions and advice more than Danielle’s, who was (in my mind) kind of driving me bonkers and not really paying attention to me, what with a little guy to take care of and a business to run.

I became a person, that, looking back, I’m fairly ashamed of. I was downright nasty to Danielle at times, lied to her on several occasions and our relationship took a back seat to other pursuits.

I hope Jim and Pam’s story plays out the way ours has. We had some difficult talks. We yelled. We cried. We worked through our hurts. We did the hard work to make things work.

I’m happy to say I don’t even recognize that person from a year ago. Our relationship has improved more than I thought possible at the time. In a way I’m almost glad this happened, because our relationship is stronger now than it’s ever been.

If you’re having struggles in your relationship, you’re certainly not alone, and you’re not a failure. Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. Perhaps harder than any other relationship you’ll ever experience.

If you need help – get it! Yes, marriage is hard. It’s messy at times. It’s draining, but it is most definitely worth fighting for.

I have to digress a little bit to share one of the things that first stuck out to me about Danielle (besides the fact she seemed to like to wear dark’ish clothes and seemed a bit mysterious when I first met her).

My memory is not the greatest at times, but I remember being wowed hearing Danielle speak Campus Crusade for Christ one night. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but it was clear then (and also before) that she loved Jesus. I’ll never forget hearing her speak (even if I can’t remember it all. Sorry, babe!)

Fast forward to our pre-marriage counseling. A dear friend, who later officiated at our wedding, said something to the effect “if you keep Christ as the center of your marriage, you can make it through anything.” I know, I know. That sounds totally cliché, but it has proven to be true time and time again.

When I look back at all the things we’ve been through in our marriage, and continue to go through, I don’t know how we would have made it without Jesus. I think one or both of us would probably have given up at some point along the way.

I’m reminded of Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
<blockquote>Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.</blockquote>
I see myself and Danielle so much in these verses. There have been times where we’ve had to “help each other up” spiritually. When we dealt with our first miscarriage I really tried to maintain faith and encourage Danielle that our time would come, and it did. God was faithful, although we couldn’t understand His plan at that time.

When I’ve battled with anxiety and depression, Danielle has stayed strong for me. She’s walked with me, cried with me and prayed with me. She’s helped me keep my eyes on Jesus during times where it was hard to on my own. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God put us into each other’s lives and knew how we would complement each other and help each other in our faith.

I’d love to sit here and tell you what a great job we’ve done at keeping Jesus the center of our marriage. How we’ve read through the Bible together. How our spiritual growth has just continued year after year of our marriage.

But I’d rather not lie to to you. Don’t get me wrong. Jesus is at the center of our marriage, holding it together, but it hasn’t always been easy keeping Him there, and quite frankly, we often fall short. Many times life gets in the way. Hurt gets in the way. We get in the way and make a mess of things.

That’s the awesome thing about Jesus. He loves us. No matter what. We’ve failed so many times, and we will continue to fail, but that will NEVER change His love for us (and his love for you, too, by the way). And because He loves us, we can share that love with others.

I can tell you this. I have not always done a very good job of sharing that love with the people I know. But my hope is that by reading this blog you can experience the love that Jesus has for you, and let that love transform your marriage into something beyond your wildest imagination.

While you fight for your marriage, fight to keep Jesus at the center of your marriage.

We’ve been busy being married and being parents and being friends. This blog totally suffered – but it’s been in the back of my mind almost every day. I wrote down LISTS of topics and FINALLY have a moment to write.

Why not dive RIGHT in and ask a hard one. Does Jesus have a place in your marriage.

Let me tell you about the role He plays in ours – from my perspective.

When Jared and I started dating – I told him I wasn’t interested in a relationship – but a marriage. It freaked him out. He needed a few days to adjust and let that sink in. That didn’t mean that I wanted to marry him RIGHT THEN – but that I wasn’t about being in a relationship that went nowhere. If any red flags came up – on either side – then it was over. I didn’t want to hang on to something that wouldn’t last. He met my parents on our first date. I’d known his for a while. Family was very important to both of us – we accepted that we wouldn’t just be marrying each other – but our families too. It was very important to both of us that we shared the same beliefs – politically and morally. Check. We both knew that we needed to marry someone who loved Jesus – had Him living inside their heart. Check.

Have we done a good job at keeping Jesus in the center of our marriage – eh – mediocre at best. But He has always been there – especially when it matters. Well – we really turned to Him when it mattered. He was always there waiting. We’ve prayed together – cried together – fought together – read together – taught together – loved together.

I have no idea how to love people without Jesus in my heart. I have a hard enough time loving them with Him hanging out in there. I cannot imagine what it would be like without. Let me tell you why.

Jesus bled for me – died for me. He has forgiven me. He loves me. Because I have experienced that love – I share it. I try to represent the love of Jesus through it – I fail most of the time. But I know what it’s like to be broken and empty – and thanks to Jesus I know what’s it’s like to be healed and full. Living with someone and sharing my life with them – could only be done with Jesus on my side.

I get angry and judgmental. I get impatient and unkind. I get irrational and sometimes just mean. Without Jesus in my life – I would be horrendous to live with. To love. Without Jesus in my marriage – I wouldn’t be so quick to admit my wrongs – and I have LOTS. I wouldn’t be so willing to work on our issues and to forgive. I wouldn’t know where to turn with my worries and my doubts. Jared and I take them to Jesus – together.

It’s not just about going to church together. It’s not about raising a child in the church together. It’s about loving Jesus. Together. It’s about spending this life on earth with the person that Jesus made exactly for me and spending eternity with him in heaven after this is all said and done. I cannot imagine spending my life on earth with someone that I would never see again after this life. Someone that I know would be spending their eternity in hell – in pain – in turmoil.

Having Jesus in the center of marriage has been THE reason we stay together. The reason we work our crap out. The reason we forgive. The reason we love.

I have lots. Most of them – probably all of them – are just about stupid things. Like where he puts (or doesn’t put) his shoes – coats – clothes – books – etc. When he says I DON’T KNOW to almost EVERYTHING – serious or not – I don’t know. Dude – you HAVE to know. When he doesn’t remember to do things that are done over and over and over again – like take out the garbage – throw empty water bottles away.

Now – I am sure that if Jared thought about it – another thing that drives him crazy about me is that i say things like ALWAYS and NEVER. You NEVER remember to take out the garbage. Why do you ALWAYS forget to tell me when you take money out. Things like that.

I’m a recovering perfectionist. It’s something that I don’t allow to control me anymore – but it’s hard and I work at it every single day.

When I was in high school – I would measure the distance between my hangers in my closet and the distance between my pictures on the wall – they had to be in even or whole numbers. Odd numbers are ugly to me. I hate them. Weird. I know. I also copied over my notes that I took in class every night – until they looked and felt right. The things on my dresser were in a certain place at a certain angle. My sister used to mess with me and I knew as soon as I walked in. I would get so mad and have to spend the night fixing everything. Samm and I shared a room our whole lives until my junior year in college – and she is NOT a perfectionist – or even close.

When things weren’t “perfect” – I would have anxiety attacks – but not like you would normally think. There was a time that I couldn’t swallow anything solid – so I only ate applesauce and things I could mash up and struggle to get down. No reason – a serious mental fixation thing. I thought I had a yawn stuck once – for quite a while. I couldn’t sleep lying down cus I thought my heart would stop. I would wonder how my body knew to breathe – then I would panic thinking that I forgot. That one still gets me when I get anxious.

ANYWAY –

Most of my pet peeves about Jared are because while he also struggles with being a perfectionist – he doesn’t struggle in the ways I do. He is messy. I am not. And it drives me nuts!

Do I let them build up from time to time and pile EVERYTHING he’s done “wrong” in the past week on top of him at once? No … not me. Never. Only if never means much more often that I should be. Then I wonder why it’s so hard building him up when all I’ve been doing is putting him down.

God is really working in me with the whole being in control issue – cus when you get down to it – that’s what perfectionism is about. Being in control. And I’m not. No matter how much I like to think I am.

I’m His child – living here on this earth to love and share His news. I’m Jared’s wife – loving him and encouraging him. Asking for forgiveness when I fail.

I promise I’m not trying to score brownie points here, but I truly don’t have very many pet peeves when it comes to Danielle. For that, I’m incredibly grateful.

When push comes to shove, there really is only one that sticks out in my mind. I believe Danielle has something programmed in her brain that says the following, “hey Jared just sat down, put out the recliner and got all set up with his MacBook/iPad/iPhone. Now would be the perfect time to ask him to get up and get you something”) I’m fairly certain that’s how it works.

It’s especially maddening when I have just left a room that she asks me to go back to. Ahhhh! I was just in there, why didn’t you mention it then? Or on my way in?

This phenomenon seems to happen almost without fail. But really, if this is the worst I have to deal with, I’ll take it.

It’s important to not let the pet peeves about our spouses grow to the point where we are just looking for faults everywhere. Because, believe me, we ALL have more than our fair share of faults.

What are some of the things that your spouse does that drive you nutty?

I’ve touched on it a little bit – but I mother. It’s my “gift” – right. I boss. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. I love it. But it’s not nearly as helpful as I thought.

So being a mom was gonna be easy for me. And really truly it’s been what I expected. Those first few weeks and months are hard – exhausting – trying. I am not a person that functions well on little sleep and that’s basically what happens when you have a baby – you get little sleep. Breastfeeding was exhausting. I’ve got friends that will tell me I’m selfish for even admitting that – but guess what – it is. I can honestly say that I didn’t feel this magical connection that other moms speak of with breastfeeding – it was – Fitzy is hungry and I’ll feed him – not a extra special moment really. I went back to work 8 weeks after he was born (and stopped breastfeeding) and now wish I had made a different decision. Not about the breastfeeding – Fitzy had formula for the first year after those 8 weeks and is thriving – but about going back to work – so much and so soon. Thankfully we have wonderful and supportive and loving family that helped us. I worked too much. barden photography was my baby – for a long time – and I didn’t know how to give that up – even a little. It’s easier now – but I’ve had to learn the hard way.

I don’t even really remember much about the first few months of Fitzy’s life – it’s all a fantastic blur. I know that I cuddled him and played with him and loved him and fed him and changed him and didn’t get much sleep. I know that Jared was here and we probably talked and hung out – but I really truthfully don’t remember. I took care of a baby and edited and slept and ate and photographed. And maybe (hopefully) paid attention to my husband.

Jared talks about alone time – something I don’t really crave – other than to edit or blog – but then I realized that for the three years I’ve been doing bp full time – I’ve had alone time – all day – every day – almost. So I might not crave it because I got it. Now that Fitzy is here I often look at the pile on my desk and desktop and wonder when it will get done – messages that need to be answered and photos that need to be edited. If I only had a few hours a day (doesn’t Fitzy nap? HA. sometimes) that I could get this stuff done – oh wait – I need to vacuum and do dishes and maybe cook tonight and get a shower and do laundry and I don’t even know what piles are clean anymore. There goes that small amount of time that I thought I could sit and get something done. At night I’ve been trying really hard to not be on the computer and focus my attention on Jared. I’m not on the computer during the day and not at night – not getting things done.

It’s been REALLY REALLY hard being a mom AND working from home. I would like to think that working outside the home where I don’t bring my work home would be easier? I’m most likely wrong. I have this little boy that wants to play and cuddle and type on the keyboard as soon as he sees it. He is awesome at occupying himself for about 20 minutes and then wants HOP ON POP read to him for the 14th time that day. And I love him and love paying with him. So it wins out. Always. But it’s really really hard. Really hard. Much harder than I thought it would be.

I get frustrated with Jared because I feel like he wants alone time ALL the time. He comes home from work and needs to wind down. And then it’s dinner and bath time and getting Fitzy to bed and then I might have an hour to work on something and then I realize I’ve been on facebook (I HATE facebook) for 20 minutes doing NOTHING and there goes any time I would have been able to catch up and I should probably spend time with Jared – ya know – watching TV. Seriously? And then we do it all again the next day. And on the days I don’t have weddings – Jared would like to go golf – but I’m already on my own with Fitzy 5 days a week – I don’t want to do weekends too. But he’s been working all week and needs some wind down time. But I want him home. So I don’t have to spend every waking second worrying about what Fitzy just ate off the floor. So an argument starts – the same one we have all the time. And I know that Jared needs his alone time so he goes. And I read HOP ON POP for the 160th time that week and wait for him to get home. So that maybe I can catch up on the 14 folders on my desktop and there I am working on the weekends again when I took time off this year so we could spend time together – and we aren’t.

And then those arguments lead into other things we are holding onto. The fact that miscarrying three years ago had a damaging effect on both of us and our relationship. I poured myself into my work and made barden photography my baby. And then when we did get pregnant again – right as I was just accepting that it would most likely be the two of us forever and how to deal with that – and this baby took over the barden photography baby role – again (or still) leaving Jared in the dust. While Jared needs his alone time – he also needs attention from me. And he wasn’t getting it. And facebook (did I mention I hate it – cus I do) became an outlet for the attention he needed from me but wasn’t getting. And I didn’t understand and we got off facebook for a while – but we are both quite addicted – so here we are again and trying to balance our relationship together and with Fitzy and with friends and family and business and free time and fun time and date nights and showers and sleep. You get it.

Fitzy is amazing and wonderful and fantastic and makes me cry almost every day. Whether it’s from laughing or because he comes over and grabs my face with his little fat hands and kisses me. When I look in his eyes I am looking at a miracle – an answer to prayer. I don’t know how to NOT make my world revolve around that little boy. But making him my entire world hurts me – and him – and Jared. It’s part of what we’ve been dealing with in our marriage over the past few months and it’s SUCKED. But where we are right now is right where God KNEW we would be. He’s put the people that are in our lives RIGHT NOW for THIS MOMENT. We are talking and crying and dealing with hurt and loving and learning. Learning so much about each other and our relationship and where God WANTS us to be – where we need to be.

Having Fitzy moved us from a family of 2 to 3 – and at times I left Jared out of that equation altogether. At times when we were both wrong and confused – God has kept us talking (even if it was in raised voices) and loving and learning. I’m learning how to make this relationship work with being a wife and a mom and a photographer.

I’m fighting for our marriage – and I’m thankful for a husband who fights with me.

I remember talking with (I believe it was) my dad before we had Fitzy. When I asked him what changes when you have a baby, he said, “everything”. My response went something like, “thanks for being so helpful, Dad. Can you give me an example?” His response, “everything.”

As always, he was right. Oh man, was he right.

I’d love to be able to sit here and tell you how wonderful the first year of fatherhood has been, and how it’s made me such a better person and how life has been a bowl full of cherries, but that would be, mostly, lies.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a father is great. Fitzy is AMAZING. He’s one of the happiest little guys I’ve ever seen, even when he’s super sick with ear infections. I’m fairly certain his smile is infectious too

But being a dad is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. (I know, I know, it doesn’t get any easier for the next 20+ years or so, or ever, for that matter).

I’ve always known I’ve had a “selfish bent”, if you will, mostly because I grew up as an only child. I was used to getting most of the things I wanted (trust me, you might think all but definitely NOT all) and doing things on my own schedule.

Having Fitzy has shown me that, at times, I can be incredibly selfish. I don’t know how many different times over the past year I’ve mentioned that I just need some “space” or “alone time”, because helping out with a baby is exhausting. And I don’t even deal with the brunt of it. I’m gone 8-10 hours a day. Danielle has to maintain her job with Barden Photography, do photo shoots, weddings, edit, etc. AND take care of Fitzy. All day. If anyone has the right to complain about needing free time, it’s definitely Danielle.

It’s also tough, because sometimes I just want to be alone. Again, I think this comes from me being an only child. I am used to being alone, and often, I enjoy it. Danielle has always been pretty much the opposite. As the oldest of 3 there was always someone around, who most likely “needed” mothering.

Me? I love my alone time. Whether it’s occupying my “nothing” box (another post for another day), messing around on the computer, reading or playing golf, I love having that time to myself. I remember having to adjust when we were first married to having someone who, for all intents and purposes, was around “all the time.”

Having Fitzy has completely shifted the “alone” paradigm. It’s crazy to have to be responsible for someone who needs you to survive. It is an honor and privilege for sure, and a HUGE responsibility. But it can get taxing. I feel like recently, in the past couple months or so, I’ve gotten more used to putting Fitzy’s needs ahead of my own and trying to ditch my more selfish tendencies, but it hasn’t been easy.

I can’t speak for other dads out there, but it has helped me a lot now that Fitzy is able to interact with me more. He’s developing his own little personality and is ever-increasingly more fun to interact and play with. In fact, he and I spent about 2.5 hours together the other night while Momma was away on a photo shoot, and we survived! That might not seem like a big deal to some of you reading this, but for me it was.

The effect adding a baby has had on my relationship with Danielle has also been huge. On one hand, it’s been amazing. It’s brought us closer together, makes us marvel at our little miracle baby God blessed us with, etc. On the other hand, it’s been TOUGH.

It’s been a struggle and a process to adjust to the changes we’ve had to make in our relationship. At different times this first year, especially when Fitzy was just a few months old, I often felt like I took a back seat to Fitzy and Barden Photography. Danielle and I talked about it a lot. I had to realize, especially at that very young age, that Fitzy was pretty much totally dependent on Danielle, and it wasn’t that she was trying to ignore me, but Fitzy NEEDED her. The more I was able to see that helped things, but it was definitely a challenge.

We’ve both had to adjust as our roles have changed from not “just” husband and wife but to mom and dad as well. I feel like, for the most part, we’ve done a good job at the transition, but that doesn’t mean it’s been easy.

I feel like this post has been a bit all over the place, but the important takeaway is that fatherhood is HARD, but it’s so so worth it. If you’re struggling with being a dad, feeling guilty, or anything like that, don’t. You’re not alone.

I think the biggest key when you’re dealing with all the changes that fatherhood / a baby brings is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Don’t let your feelings just fester inside, where they can oftentimes get the best of you. For me, being open with Danielle about these issues has been a huge help.

When baby makes 3 or 4 or 5, remember to fight for your marriage!